Tourniquet
by Nanaki Lioness
Summary: [Off The Verge & Once Again He Learns To Walk] Contains the usage of drugs. Alternative Reality AU. Matt finds certain events difficult to deal with, and picks the only way out he can see. It's not neccessarily the best option...
1. Off The Verge

Disclaimer: The characters, items, places etc of Digimon are property of Toei Ltd. These objects are used without permission for entertainment only, not for making money. No infringement is intended.

_I think I should state right now that this fic deals with **drugs**, the **usage of drugs**, and **their effects**. Readers beware! Any readers currently using drugs- including cigarettes- also take note. _  
_Regards go out to ProcurerFaith, as per usual, for giving me a hand in the more medical side. Thank you, Oh-Medical-Dictionary grins_

_Don't want to be here, don't want to be here, don't want to _be_ here…_  
Yet he was, riding the filthy bus into a part of the city he barely knew. He shifted uncomfortably underneath the dusky lighting flitting through the dirt on the windows, highlighting the dirt on the seats.  
He looked up and made out a bus stop in the distance. Reaching up, he jabbed the 'stop' button in front of him, getting up and precariously making his way from the back to the front.  
"Thanks," he said, jumping off the bus as the driver started to move once his feet had barely left the platform.  
And then he was alone. Glancing round, he dazedly tried to look for the man he had been given a description of. Yet, within moments, someone was tapping him on the shoulder.  
"You Matt?"  
He turned. The man standing before him was of medium height, with bleach-blond hair and a leather jacket  
_Just like the description._  
"Yeah."  
"Here."  
He held out a small silver packet. Matt took it, fishing into his coat pocket for some money. Finding the notes, he handed them over.  
"Ta," was the response. "If you need any more, or anything else, you know where I am."  
"Sure."  
And then he was gone, and Matt was left to walk a few yards back to the bus stop he had just got off at. Maybe if he were lucky, he'd catch the same bus on its return route.

**Off The Verge (aka Tourniquet) **

By Nanaki Lioness

_Shouting. Again._  
Matt wearily unlocked the front door to his apartment, hearing the sounds of his parents fighting from as far down as the elevator.  
"Hi Mum, Dad," he said as they ignored him, continuing their rant at each other. He walked into his room, shutting the door and marvelling how his parents could _completely_ ignore his entrance.  
_It's no wonder I'm on this stuff…_  
Opening the silver foil, he reached under his bed and pulled a small packet of cigarette papers out. Taking one from the green packet, he pulled some of the tobacco-like resin from a small tin and stuffed it into the thin paper. Double-checking his parents were still yelling at each other, he opened his window and sat by it, lighting the joint and inhaling it's toxic chemicals thankfully.  
One of his friends had said he should try cannabis to calm his current violent temper. Matt had taken up on that, and found himself easily addicted to the rush. The euphoria. The general feeling of apathy that he wasn't finding in his life without it.  
And yet, it didn't stop him feeling as guilty as hell.  
He tried to relax and let the natural high overtake his body, knowing when he returned to normality, his parents would probably have stopped shouting at one another.  
As he was halfway through the joint, and somewhere between high and normal, his phone rang.  
He ignored it. It rang still.  
Angrily, he picked it up and answered it.  
"What!"  
"…Matt?"  
Matt winced mentally.  
"Hey TK… Sorry about that. I'm just a little bit busy right now."  
"Busy?"  
"Yeah, I'm… Tidying my room. You know what a mess it can be."  
TK laughed. "Yeah, I can understand that."  
Matt took the moment TK was talking in to quickly inhale some more of his rapidly disappearing joint, only to choke on it.  
"Matt, you okay?" TK asked.  
"S-sure," Matt coughed. "Choked on some drink."  
"You're so funny sometimes, Matt!" TK said, laughing a little.  
"There's nothing funny about choking," Matt chided gently, grinning a little. He could feel the high starting to take effect, and he didn't want his little brother to hear it in his voice. "Anyways, what did you phone for…? I need to get back to my room."  
"Nothing important," TK said, and Matt could almost see him shrugging along with the statement. "Just wondered if you fancied a movie tonight? I'm at Kari's right now, but she has to go to a dance class soon."  
"Sure!" Matt said cheerfully, staring at his joint as it burnt his spent money into ash and smoke he wasn't using.  
"That's great! I'll let you get back to work then, eh?"  
"Thanks, TK. See you later."  
"Sure. Bye!"  
Matt disconnected the phone; at the same time inhaling deeply from the joint that was about three-quarters burnt.  
He _really_ wished he didn't need it sometimes. He wasn't addicted- far from it, as cannabis contained no addictive qualities; it simply played havoc with his social life. Though, his mind was beginning to drift as he took the last inhale from the joint and stubbed it out. So he laid back and let it do so.  
. . . . . . . . . .

A few hours later, the high having worn off, Matt was getting ready to go out. His parents had indeed stopped arguing, and were currently watching TV without speaking to one another.  
"I'm off out," Matt declared as he left his room and headed to the front door.  
"Make sure you're not back late," his dad said disinterestedly, his eyes still on the TV. Matt sighed and walked out the front door.  
_Why do I want a fix every time they ignore me like that…?_  
_No. I have to resist it, for TK's sake…_  
TK was waiting for him outside the apartment building. No words of hello were exchanged, both of them beyond the stage of a verbal greeting when a nod of the head would do. They set on route to the cinema in silence for a while until TK spoke.  
"Did you get your room tidy?"  
"Huh? Oh! Yeah, I did. So what movie are we seeing?"  
"Whatever you want."  
Matt shrugged. "Surprise me."  
Upon reaching the cinema, TK got tickets for 'any movie you like, you choose'- which proceeded into some strange looks from the cashier, and two tickets for some movie they'd never heard of. Buying some popcorn and drink, the two made their way into the cinema and sat down in the nearest seats.  
"Can we throw popcorn at the screen if the movie's lame?" TK asked, grinning cheekily.  
Matt raised an eyebrow. "You _know_ how annoyed Mum and Dad got when we used to do that."  
"Mum and Dad aren't here," TK said, grinning. After a moment, he looked at Matt seriously. "So… How were they today?"  
Matt shrugged. "Shouting. Did you expect any less?"  
"No, not really." TK sighed. "I really can see them getting a divorce if this carries on, ya know… I don't _want_ that, but I think they could."  
Matt grinned. "Nah, I don't think so."  
_Or rather, I hope not._  
"Mmm. Maybe," TK said quietly, silencing himself as the movie began.  
_Maybe, little brother? Quite possibly, I think. And there's nothing either of us can do about it._  
. . . . . . . . . .

The short walk home from the cinema was windy; night bringing gales and misty rain with it. The two brothers wrapped their coats around themselves, trying to shield from the wind under the collars.  
"I _hate_ this weather!" TK yelled, Matt only just making out his words.  
"I know what you mean!" He shouted back in response. The walk would normally only take ten minutes at the most, but it had taken them double that already and they weren't even halfway home. They kept ducking into doorways to catch their breath and to warm up a little, and it didn't help that they were trying to walk against the onslaught.  
TK stopped, coughing and taking deep breathes beneath his coat collar. Matt stopped, too, waiting for his brother so they could continue.  
Only, he seemed to get worse. Before long, he was breathing quick and shallow, seemingly choking.  
"TK!" Matt asked, a little panicked as he realised what could be happening.  
TK frantically pointed to his backpack, indicating something to Matt knew instantly: Asthma inhaler. The elder blonde did as was instructed, looking through TK's bag for the small blue implement. He found it and shook it, pushing the catch up on top of it and giving it to TK.  
"Inhale!" He instructed sharply. Shaking hands took the device off of him, but did nothing.  
"C-c-"  
"Don't tell me you can't! _Inhale_, TK!"  
TK pushed the inhaler to his lips and breathed in; it wasn't very deep, but it was enough to release the concentrated chemicals in a rush of air.  
"Again," Matt demanded, taking the inhaler back and re-pressing the catch up. TK took it from him this time, holding it for a second before taking another breath.  
"Thank you," Matt murmured, pushing the younger boy to the ground and wrapping his arms and coat round him. TK pushed against his chest, his breathing a little better, trying to hide from the wind and cold.  
"Better?"  
TK nodded against him, his breathing quieter and deeper.  
"Good. It scares me when you do that, you know?"  
"Mmm," came the soft reply.  
After a few minutes of silence, where TK's breathing returned to normal and the gales surrounded them, TK made a move to stand. Matt followed, and they wordlessly continued their journey.  
"Matt?"  
The word was so soft that Matt almost didn't hear it; wasn't expecting it, either, after their silence.  
"Yes, TK?" He near-shouted back.  
"I… Thank you…"  
Matt shrugged, pulling his coat further around himself.  
"Without you… If you hadn't made me, I wouldn't have inhaled that stuff…"  
Realising the serious turn the conversation was taking, Matt pulled them both into a doorway of a shop.  
"Why not?" He asked, glad that he didn't have to shout as loud to be heard.  
"'Coz I hate it."  
"Hate what? The taste, the sensation?"  
"No, no. Taking it"  
"It makes you better, TK."  
TK sighed. "Yeah, I know. But… I've heard so much about drugs and stuff, I just don't wanna _take_ it…"  
There was a pause.  
"We… We had a Drugs Awareness afternoon in school. The guy was telling us about how sometimes prescribed things could be harmful, too."  
Matt grinned. "Only if you misuse them. Like paracetamol. It's a painkiller, but if you overdose on it, it'll harm your liver."  
"I know, he told us that… I just got worried that-"  
"There's no need to be worried, TK," Matt interrupted. "You've been taking that stuff for years. Just because someone's pointed that a few idiots want to overdose on it- and I don't even think you _can_ overdose on it, TK- you suddenly think it's dangerous?"  
TK grinned a little sheepishly.  
"Sounds silly, doesn't it little brother?"  
TK nodded.  
"You feel better about it?"  
Another nod.  
"Good. All you need to know are _illegal_ drugs are the ones that mess you up, not your inhaler stuff. Now, let's go home before we freeze to death."  
They continued their walk, feeling the bitterness of the wind as they stepped out of the doorway.  
_Oh God…_  
_How can I tell TK about the dangers of drugs? How can I tell him it's perfectly all right when I'm messing my own body up with them? How can I be such a hypocrite!_  
. . . . . . . . . .

They arrived home to find their parents already in bed; or rather, their mother in the bedroom and their father on the couch.  
"Typical," TK whispered as he flicked the living room light on. "Dad always sleeps on the sofa these days."  
"Hmm," Matt replied, hanging his coat up by the door. "Doesn't seem fair."  
"What, that Mum always gets the bed?"  
Matt grinned. "No, silly. That when Mum and Dad argue all the time, it never seems to be Mum's fault; it's always Dad's."  
"I know what you mean," TK agreed. "But, he's such a workaholic..."  
"He does it for us, and for Mum."  
"Yeah… Well, we know that, don't we?"  
Matt smiled ruefully and made his way to his bedroom, not answering.  
"'Night TK," he called quietly before shutting his door. He heard TK call back to him 'goodnight' though the door, and saw the living room light shut off through the glass panel above his door. He sighed and laid back on the bed, resisting the urge for a fix.  
_For something that's not addictive, I seem to want this stuff a lot… Probably because it's like a painkiller to me or something…_  
Out of curiosity, he turned his bedside lamp on and pulled the small tin out from under his bed. Opening it up, he winced as he saw only a small amount of the resin collected in the corners. He never realised how much he was using until it was too late.  
He sighed and slammed the tin shut again. It wasn't working so much any more; the pain was still getting through to him.  
Lying down, he turned the radio on low and let the music lull him into sleep.  
_I can get through this without that stuff, anyway._The following morning was a Saturday, which meant neither Matt nor TK had set an alarm for school. Enjoying a lay-in was rare, even at a weekend, since they were normally awaken by raised voices.  
The Saturday morning in question was no exception.  
"What do you mean, _work_!" It's Saturday!"  
Matt awoke to the very-loud exclamation of his mother, not wanting to open his eyes and not wanting to get up.  
"I'm only-"  
"I _know_ why you do it! To get away from here, isn't it!"  
"No-"  
"_Don't_ lie to me!"  
Already having had enough, Matt jumped out of bed and grabbed some clothes. Dressing quickly, he ran a brush through his hair and opened his door so hard he was surprised he didn't pull it off the hinges. Still being half asleep and deciding to enter the war with his parents was probably _not_ a good idea, but he didn't care. He'd had enough.  
"Will you _shut up_!" He said angrily, raising his voice above his parents.  
Both of them looked at him, quietening instantly.  
"_Thank_ you!" He said, crossing his arms and leaning against the doorframe. "Some of us are trying to sleep!"  
"And some of us are going to be late for work," his father stated, reaching for his wallet and packet of cigarettes on the coffee table.  
"_No_!" His mother said, slapping his hand so hard he dropped the contents back down. "You're _not_ going to work today!"  
"Mum, just let him go to work!" Matt said, rolling his eyes. "You only yell at each other when you're together anyway! He works for _you_, and for me and TK!"  
"Shut up Matt!" His mother said as his father picked up his wallet and cigarettes again as her attention turned to her eldest son. "You don't know anything!"  
"Don't I? I hear you both bitching at each other enough to understand everything! Don't you think me and TK see what you say to each other! Maybe you should _both _take some consideration into what you say before you say it!"  
The words were out of his mouth before he realised, and he mentally kicked himself as he saw the expressions on his parent's faces.  
"You always take your father's side," his mother hissed.  
"That's enough, Nancy," his father said quietly.  
"And _you_! You always take Matt's side!" Nancy yelled, turning to her husband.  
"There _are_ no sides," Matt said, calming himself down a little as he realised how full-scale the argument had become. "Just two confused kids and two at-war adults."  
"Well, maybe it would be better if TK lived with me and you went to live with your father."  
Matt stared at his mother, eyes wide.  
_I don't believe she just said that._  
"Don't bring me and TK into this," he said, narrowing his wide eyes. "If you have a problem, work it out; don't use us as pawns!"  
"Matt…?"  
TK was standing in his doorway, sleepily looking at the scene before him.  
Mr. Ishida sighed and walked towards the front door.  
"Where-"  
"Mum!" Matt said, glaring at her. "Leave it!"  
Nancy closed her mouth, silently seething as her husband walked out the door.  
"Get out of my sight," she said quietly after the door had slammed, not looking in Matt's direction.  
Matt glared at her. "Gladly," he declared, turning his back and slamming his bedroom door shut again.  
Once inside, he leant back against and sighed shakily.  
_Need to calm down, need to not think about what she said…_  
_Impossible. Need a fix, that's what I need…_  
"That's it," he muttered under his breath, reaching into a drawer next to his bed and pulling out some money. Putting it in his wallet, he opened the door again and ignored both his mother and brother.  
"Where do you think you're going!" His mother demanded as he put his coat on.  
"Out. Not that you care. You wanted me out your sight, remember?" Matt said patronisingly, turning to her and narrowing his eyes.  
"Matt, are you okay…?" TK asked gently.  
Matt smiled at him a little.  
"Fine, TK. Go back to bed."  
With that, he turned and stormed out the door, leaving TK bewildered and his mother angry.  
_If I come home and find divorce papers on the table, I think I'll do something very stupid…_  
_Not that I'm about to already. Oh, God… Why can't I get by without it! I'm not addicted to it!_  
_No, but you're addicted to the rush, aren't you? Only it's no longer working. Now what? Something harder? That _would_ be stupid._  
He reached the bus stop at the end of the road, knowing a bus would be along shortly; they ran frequently on a Saturday for eager kids wanting to shop at the Odiaba shopping mall. Conveniently, his destination was just beyond there; on weekdays, the bus went right through, but even the drivers didn't want to be there if they didn't have to be. The area was rough, well known for its drug dealing and violence.  
Almost as though it had read his mind, a bus turned the corner onto his road. He put an arm out to stop it, hopping on quickly with the correct fair in hand.  
"Return to Odiaba shopping mall," he stated, laying his money on the serving tray. The driver pushed a few buttons and issued a ticket.  
As Matt was tearing it off and putting it in his wallet, he heard someone call his name. As he turned, he inwardly wanted to jump straight back off the bus.  
Tai was sitting at the back with Kari, grinning like a madman and waving.  
_You're the last person I want to see right now, Tai. You always convince me to be happy._  
"Hey Tai…" Matt said wearily, walking to where his friend was sitting as the bus carried on its way.  
"You look like you've just woken up," Tai commented.  
"Gee, thanks," Matt said, rolling his eyes. "And as a matter of fact, I have."  
"In a rush to get shopping, eh?"  
"Huh?"  
"Shopping. I heard you say the shopping mall to the driver. That's where me and Kari are going." He indicated his younger sister, who was looking out the window.  
"Hey Matt," Kari said, turning to him and grinning.  
"Hey Kari," Matt smiled, putting in a little more effort to seem normal. Kari could always sense when things weren't right, unlike her brother.  
"So what are you shopping for?" Tai asked.  
"Nothing."  
"Nothing? You're going to a shopping mall to shop for nothing?"  
"Yup," Matt replied, leaning back in his chair and closing his eyes.  
"Still tired?"  
"Yup."  
Silence for a while as the bus continued on its way. Matt leant back and enjoyed it; he didn't get much peace anymore.  
Tai shook him annoyingly. "You're so quiet today!"  
"Maybe that's because I don't want to talk," Matt said, keeping his eyes closed.  
"Why not?"  
"Because I don't."  
"_Why_?"  
"_Because_!" Matt near-shouted. "Leave me alone!"  
"Fine, fine… Just trying to be helpful…"  
Matt opened his eyes and glared at Tai. "What part of that conversation did you see as 'helpful', Tai?"  
Tai grinned, jabbing the 'stop' button as their destination approached. The three stood up, along with a number of the other passengers. The Odiaba shopping mall was in view, across the road; along the side of it, the alley that led to where Matt wanted to go.  
"So what are you really shopping for?" Tai asked Matt as they got off the bus, Tai and Kari heading to the mall. Matt followed them, his eyes on the alley.  
"I told you; nothing."  
"Nobody shops for nothing, Matt!"  
"I do."  
"Matt, what's the matter?" Kari asked gently, halting their walk to the mall by stopping and sitting on a nearby bench.  
Matt sighed. He couldn't use his cold exterior on Kari.  
"Just stuff… Nothing for you to worry about."  
"Trouble at home again?" Tai asked, sounding sympathetic.  
"How do you know?" Matt asked, a little surprised before guessing the answer himself. "TK, right?"  
Kari nodded. "He's told me all about what's going on."  
"And she told me," Tai added.  
Matt looked at the alley again, and then at the two concerned faces before him.  
"Mum and Dad argued again this morning," he said quietly, averting his eyes. "Mum… Well, she gave me the impression that she hates me."  
"We went through this four years ago," Tai said. "She loves you, you know that."  
"No," Matt shook his head. "She said today… She said that I always sided with Dad and maybe she should live somewhere else with TK."  
Kari and Tai both exchanged a glance.  
"Divorce?" Tai said quizzically.  
Matt shrugged. "Probably. I don't really want to talk about it."  
"Then maybe you _should_ come shopping," Tai suggested. "It'll relax you."  
Matt shook his head. "I don't have much money, Tai."  
_At least, I won't have when I get out of here…_  
"I'll pay."  
"No, Tai."  
"Ye-"  
"_No_. Thank you, but no. I have to be somewhere else right about now."  
Tai looked as though he was going to ask where, but he didn't.  
"Tell you what," the brunette said after a moment, his face brightening. "Why don't you meet me back here in a hour, when you've done whatever it is you need to do."  
"Okay," Matt agreed, smiling a bit. "An hour. See you then!"  
With that, he turned and walked away, leaving Kari and Tai to make their way into the mall. Matt waited nearby until he saw the two enter the building before turning and jogging down the alley away from his friend's eyes.  
It didn't take him long to reach where he was headed; graffiti, litter, girls with very little on- even in the cold of the day- and guys with leather jackets not unlike his own stood on corners.  
"Hey sweetie," one girl, a tall thin blonde, cooed at him. She winked a heavily made-up eye at him, and beckoned with her index finger seductively to him.  
Matt sighed, and averted his eyes. True, the girl was attractive, but she was flaunting herself in such a manner that it instantly took the appeal away.  
_She may have a perfect figure, but she sure doesn't have a perfect personality. Besides, I still look half asleep. My hair's probably a mess, and I'm hardly dressed well at the moment. What the heck can girls like her find so attractive?_  
He caught the eye of his usual dealer, who nodded and made his way over.  
_That's it. Hard man, taking drugs. Dangerous, has appeal._  
_Well, sorry to disappoint you, but I'm hardly dangerous… Just confused, and maybe even a little bit scared._  
"Hey," he said as the man approached.  
"Hey. You look rough."  
"I feel rough."  
"Hmm."  
Matt sighed, putting his hands in his pockets and reaching for his money.  
"Wait."  
Matt stopped, and looked up. The man was reaching into his pocket himself, and handed him a small silver packet.  
"Try this stuff. Might make you feel a bit better."  
Matt took the packet, looking it over curiously.  
"Heroin."  
Matt's eyes widened, and he looked up at the dealer.  
"You can have that one free: don't worry, it's pure. I don't want to go round killing people by mixing chemicals and all that other junk into it."  
"Sure," Matt replied, not sure whether to be pleased or not.  
"You won't need anything else once you've tried that. Trust me."  
"But isn't it dangerous?"  
The man laughed. "If you get the impure kind. My stuff's neat, no one's ever died from using it. You want it, or not?"  
_You know you should say no._  
"I dunno…"  
"Well, take it anyway. If you want to use it, you can. You can make the choice in your own time."  
"Okay…" Matt said, placing it into his pocket. "I'll think about it."  
"You'll need this."  
Discreetly, the man placed something in Matt's hand. He looked down and almost fainted.  
A syringe. Clean, in a packet, with a catcher over the tip, so no chance of infections.  
"Remember to always use a clean one," the dealer advised. "I'll supply you with one every time for an extra charge."  
"I never said I was going to use it," Matt said, his eyes still on the needle in his hand.  
"I know. You don't even have to inject it, you can inhale it if you want. Liquidise it over a spoon or something. If you do inject it, remember to use a tourniquet to bring the vein up."  
"I mean, the heroin, not the needle."  
The dealer shrugged, looking round as someone else caught his eye. "I have to go now. Let me know how you go, if you decide to go ahead with it."  
With that, he jogged away to another waiting customer; a girl aged about 15, with the clothing and make-up of a 25 year old. Matt shook his head sadly and made his way out of the area. He didn't want to be there any longer than necessary.  
. . . . . . . . . .

True to his word, he met Tai back in front of the shopping mall an hour later.  
"Did you do whatever you where going to do?" Tai asked, knowing not to delve any deeper.  
"Sure, kinda," Matt replied. "You guys made a good start?"  
Kari held up numerous bags with a smile, whilst Tai held up one bag with a sports label written across it.  
"How did I know it'd be sports gear for you?" Matt grinned as they made their way to the mall.  
"You know me too well!" Tai exclaimed in mock-surprise, running forward a few paces and jumping spread-eagle at the automatic doors. They opened with a dull 'whoosh' sound as Tai grinned and turned to the other two.  
"Why are you so hyperactive this morning, Tai?" Matt asked, raising an eyebrow as they entered together into the mall's giant food court at the entrance.  
"He's been like this all morning," Kari said. "I think it's a girl that's got him this way."  
Tai stopped and looked at Kari a moment before laughing.  
"A _girl_! No way, I don't have time for _girls_!"  
"I don't think that's it," Matt verified. "He doesn't really hang round with any girls at school."  
"So what is it?" Kari questioned, putting her hands on her hips and pouting.  
Tai looked at her a moment before breaking out into a grin. "Kari, you look so… Well, adult!" He said. He covered his face and pretended to cry. "My little sister's all grown up!"  
Matt looked skyward whilst Kari looked embarrassed.  
"Tai, shut up," she hissed quietly, trying to hide her blushing cheeks beneath her bag-laden hands.  
"Can I meet you guys later whilst I get something to eat?" Matt asked, dispelling the previous conversation as he realised standing in the centre of the food court was making him hungry. "I skipped breakfast."  
"We'll come too," Tai said, already walking in the direction of the closest restaurant serving-hatch of many. "Shopping makes you hungry."  
"No, shopping makes _you_ hungry," Kari called to them as she sat down at a table.  
"Whatever!" Tai called back, grinning even though she couldn't see.  
"So what are you guys shopping for?" Matt asked, putting his hands in his pocket and almost panicked as he remembered the sharp needle in there. True, it was covered, but he didn't doubt it'd hurt anyway.  
Tai shrugged. "Kari wanted to go, Mum said I had to go with her… Besides, I had money, so I figured why not? I did try to call you last night to ask if you and TK wanted to come, but your phones were off, and your parents said you weren't home."  
"Yeah, we went to the movies," Matt said as they stopped at the serving hatch for what turned out to be the mall's ice cream parlour.  
"Can I have mint choc chip, strawberry and vanilla please?" Tai asked, handing a note over to the cashier.  
"So, where am I going to get something to eat?" Matt asked. "Ice cream doesn't substitute as a very good breakfast."  
"Here you are, Sir," the cashier said, handing him back his change.  
"Thank you," Tai said before turning back to Matt, who was looking at him wearily. "I already ordered you vanilla!" The brunette protested. "Besides, we can eat and shop at the same time then!"  
"I didn't realise that was for me!" Matt said. "I thought 'strawberry and vanilla' was one flavour!"  
Tai laughed, accepting the mint and the strawberry ice creams, leaving Matt to take the vanilla. "Well, as you can see, it's not," he said matter-of-factly.  
"Hmm. So I can see."  
They made their way back over to Kari, who saw them and walked over to them.  
"Here," Tai said, handing Kari her ice cream. She smiled and nodded 'thanks' as she bit into it. "Now, will you be all right for a while? I need to talk to Matt."  
"Do you?" Matt asked, surprised.  
"Yup," Tai grinned.  
Kari sat back down in a chair next to her, nodding past her ice cream.  
"Come on."  
Tai led them to the opposite side of the food court, sitting them down in a space with no one else present. For a while, they were content on eating their ice creams, Tai finished his quickly as Matt was beginning to crunch the cone.  
"So are you gonna tell me what happened or are you gonna leave me guessing?"  
Matt sighed. "I don't-"  
"Don't tell me 'I don't want to talk about it'. Something's up, isn't it?"  
Matt shrugged, finishing the last of his ice cream.  
"Don't, Matt."  
Before either of them could speak again, Matt heard the familiar noise of a mobile phone ring tone.  
"That's me," he said, reaching into his pocket and pulling it out. The screen read 'home' on it, and he rolled his eyes. "Hello?" He answered.  
"Matt, it's me."  
"Oh. Hi Mum."  
"Where are you?"  
Matt rolled his eyes. "I'm at the Odiaba shopping mall with Tai and Kari. Does it really matter?"  
"…Your father called me from work. He says if I want him to, he'll quit."  
"That'd be really selfish," Matt snapped, his earlier anger at his mother not dying away at all.  
"Matt!"  
"What! I'm telling you the truth!"  
"That _isn't_ what I phoned up to hear. What I actually told him was that maybe he should lay off the work a little bit, but he shouldn't quit."  
"Good. That's progress with you two."  
"I also said that we're going to get a divorce."  
Matt almost dropped the phone, eyes wide. Tai noticed the change in demeanour instantly and frowned.  
"Why!"  
"Because it's not working out between us-"  
"Then _make_ it work! You can't just _divorce_ because 'it's not working out'!"  
"That's the main reason people divorce, Matt."  
Tai sighed deeply as he heard what Matt said. Everything fitted in to place suddenly, and he wisely caught Kari's eye and shook his head to indicate he would be a while. She seemed to understand, as she pulled out her mobile phone and began to use it; text, call someone, play a game- Tai didn't know nor care at that moment.  
"Mum, you can't just… Phone me up and tell me you're getting a divorce! That's not _fair_!"  
"TK'll come with me."  
Matt didn't say anything for a moment, and though his mother couldn't see the tears in his eyes at that statement, Tai certainly could.  
"You'll go with your father."  
"And what about what me and TK want?"  
"It's not about that."  
"You _can't_ split me and TK apart!" Matt said, his voice cracking part the way through, betraying his emotions.  
"I can do what I want, Matt."  
"_No_!"  
Matt pulled the phone from his ear and disconnected the call, turning his phone off and throwing it down on the table in front of them. He bought his hands up to his face, covering his temples with them and angrily blinking tears back.  
Tai didn't say anything; he knew the best thing would be to let Matt calm down before attempting to talk to him.  
"I don't believe she just did that…" Matt said after a minute or two, eyes closed and hands still over his temples. "She… She wants TK to go with her, and me to go with Dad…"  
"She's just angry," Tai re-assured quietly. "When you get home, things will be back to normal again. You'll see."  
"Normal?" Matt said, shaking his head. "Normal is shouting these days, Tai. I can't remember when they last _spoke_ about something. I can't remember the last time they weren't angry." He sighed shakily, two tears making tracks down his cheeks, which he quickly cleared. "I can't remember the last time they shared a bed… Dad always sleeps on the couch…"  
"Well, maybe it'd be for the best," Tai ventured. "I mean, splitting you and TK up would be a bad move, but maybe it'd be good for _them_ to separate for a while. My Mum and Dad did that, about seven years ago. They were arguing all the time, and Dad went away for a few days. Mum realised how much she missed him, and when he came back everything was fine again."  
"How did you feel during that, Tai?" Matt asked quietly.  
Tai shrugged. "I thought perhaps Mum and Dad didn't love me and Kari anymore. I don't really remember anything else."  
"That's kinda how I feel now, only I know Dad loves me. Mum on the other hand…" Matt shook his head. "I don't think so."  
"She's your Mum, of course she loves you."  
Matt shook his head. "Not true." He slammed a fist down onto the table, closing his eyes tighter as two more tears crept out. "Go back to Kari," he said softly. "Go and finish your shopping. I'll come and meet you again later, I just… Need to be alone…"  
With that, he got up and walked in the opposite direction, leaving Tai with no other choice but to go back to his sister.  
"What's the matter with him?" Kari asked, putting her phone away as Tai approached.  
"His Mum phoned. She wants to divorce his Dad and split TK and Matt up."  
Kari looked troubled. "Is he all right?"  
Tai shook his head. "No. But when he wants to be alone, who am I to stop him? I'll go hunting in about half an hour and see if I can find him. He won't do anything stupid, Kari, don't worry. He'll be fine when he's calmed down."  
. . . . . . . . . . .  
_You'll be fine when you calm down. Don't worry…_  
_Only, you won't be, will you?_  
Matt walked straight out of the building, headed to the multi-storey car park. He had no clue why; he just needed to be alone, and that was the only place he could think that would be semi-deserted.  
Putting a hand into his pocket again, his fingers grasped round the syringe and the small packet in his pocket. Jogging across the multi-storey, he headed for the stairs. Three flights later, he was at the top level; one or two cars were parked there, since most people preferred to park at the entrance of the mall.  
_Perfect for me right now._  
The lighting strips were dusty, casting a dull light on the car park as he made his way over to what appeared to be the darkest corner. Once there, he sank down to the ground and curled his knees to his chest. He _hated_ the way he was feeling about the small packet in his pocket.  
_Maybe… Maybe that'll make it all better…_  
He pulled it out, looking it over and over before pulling the syringe out as well. Feeling tears prick his eyes, he let them fall as he opened the packaging.  
_Maybe everything'll just go away… Maybe, if I take this stuff, I won't feel the pain…_  
Tearing open the packaging of the syringe, he laid it on the ground and pulled his lighter from his pocket. He didn't have a metal spoon to heat it with, though, so he quickly improvised. He picked up an empty drink can from his side- one of many- and proceeded in using his key-ring pocketknife to cut the top off.  
_One of Tai's ideas for a present proved useful for once…_  
Flicking the lighter to life, he held the can tightly and tipped the resin in, waiting for the powder to liquidise. His fingers quickly became hot from the heated metal, but he closed his eyes and let it burn. After all, if he dropped it…  
He didn't even want to think about that.  
Sure enough, the powder soon became liquid, and he drew it up into the syringe. Remembering the dealer's words about using a tourniquet, he quickly pulled his shoelace free and tied that around his forearm. Tightening the knot, he waited a few moments for the vein to appear, slapping the area a few times when it didn't.  
_For God's sake, someone please see me and help me… Do something, because I don't want to be doing this!_  
_Yet, I do. I want to see if it makes me feel better, but I know it's wrong…_  
_It's pure, the guy said. He said it's all right._  
Before he changed his mind, he pushed the needle into the newly protruding vein, wincing as it stung a little. Closing his eyes, he pushed the contents into his blood stream, not wanting to acknowledge what he was doing or why.  
_Please, someone, see me and _help_ me._  
. . . . . . . . . .  
He didn't know how long he had been sitting there. Minutes, hours, days even… He'd been in a state of euphoria that had caused him to lose track of time. The only thing bringing him down from the clouds a little was his mobile phone ringing.  
He pulled it from his pocket, putting it to his ear.  
"Hello?" He said, realising when the phone still rang that he hadn't pushed the 'answer' button. He did so, and spoke again.  
"Hello?"  
"Matt? I've been looking everywhere for you! Where are you, man?"  
"Hey Tai," Matt replied, leaning casually back against the wall. "I'm in the multi storey car park."  
"Huh! Why are you up there?"  
Matt shrugged, even though his friend couldn't see him. "Place to be alone."  
"Well, I'm coming up there to get you, alright?"  
"Sure, sure… Top level."  
"I'll be there shortly, okay?"  
A dial tone greeted Matt, so he put the phone back in his pocket and made himself comfortable. His eyes gazed down to his arm, where the shoelace was still tied around it. His forearm was almost purple due to the constricted blood supply, and he wisely loosened it off and began to thread it back through his shoe.  
He swallowed a few times, his mouth fiercely dry. He shakily stood up and walked a few paces over to a bin, where he threw the can, packaging and needle away. Somewhere, his semi-conscious mind chastised him for throwing away a needle so casually, but he wasn't listening to it.  
He looked down at his arm again; it was still dark with blood. But, then again, all his skin was flushed a darker color.  
Upon hearing footsteps coming from the stairwell, he made his way over and looked down them. The three flights were really all one; a spiral stairwell with separate exits on each floor; therefore, people could look down them and see to the bottom.  
"Hey!" Tai called up as he saw his friend's blonde head peak over the side. "Don't make me come up there and get you!"  
Matt grinned and leant further over.  
"Matt, you'll fall if you lean over any more!" Tai said, laughing and jogging up the next few steps. "Come on, let's go!"  
Matt didn't retreat his head or body for a moment, and as Tai was about to yell again, he pulled back and began to walk down the stairs.  
At least, he made it down about four of them before falling back against the wall. He laughed manically, not realising that to fall down the stairs would lead to a serious injury.  
"_Matt_!" Tai said, running now. He reached Matt within seconds, grabbing his arm to stop him falling and almost recoiling from the heat. "You're burning up…!" He murmured. "Are you feeling all right?"  
"Fine!" Matt declared, the grin never leaving his face.  
Tai rolled his eyes and lead Matt down by his arm. "You're always stubborn when you're sick," he said. "I'm going to go pick Kari up from some girl clothes shop I left her in, and then I'm going to sit you down and get you something to drink."  
Matt nodded, swallowing again to ease his dry throat.  
"Kari says its TK's birthday next week," Tai continued on, pulling Matt by the arm back to the shopping mall. "She got him a really cool sweatshirt and T shirt, which I helped her pick out. They both look a bit big, but then again, I know he likes baggy casual stuff. Right?"  
"Hmmm."  
"And do you know what he has planned on his birthday? Kari was thinking of taking him out for a movie, but she doesn't know whether to do it on the day or the closest weekend or whatever… Are you listening to me, Matt?"  
"No, not really…" Matt said, laughing again and dropping to the floor.  
"Geez, what's with you?" Tai asked, almost to himself, pulling him up and dragging him through the mall doors.  
"Nothing! I am absolutely, one hundred and ten _thousand_ percent fine!"  
Tai raised an eyebrow and promptly pushed Matt down into the nearest seat to them as they walked in to the food court.  
"Stay here, and I'll get you something to drink," he instructed, sprinting over to a nearby drinks dispenser. He placed a few coins in the slot and selected a drink, grabbing it as soon as it fell and sprinting back over to Matt.  
"Thanks," Matt muttered, gazing off into space. Tai opened the can for him and placed it in front of him.  
"What the heck's wrong with you, Matt?" He questioned. "You don't seem yourself…"  
Matt shrugged, picking up the can of drink. "I'm good. Really."  
"If you insist…" Tai said, shrugging and glancing around the food court. Something caught his eye, and he stood up and yelled across the vast hall. Kari, who his attention was aimed at, turned and looked in his direction. He beckoned to her, and she made her way quickly over.  
"How are you feeling, Matt?" She asked, a little concerned as she noticed how pale he looked.  
Matt shrugged, sipping from his can. Kari exchanged a look with Tai.  
"I'm ready to go home," she said softly.  
Tai nodded. "Come on, Matt," he stated, grabbing his friend's arm. "We're going home now, and I think that's the best place for you, too…"  
"To them? Back home to them?" Matt questioned. "Nah. I'd rather… Stay here…"  
"You _can't_ stay here," Tai reasoned. "The mall staff'll kick you out!"  
"That'll do."  
Tai rolled his eyes and yanked Matt to his feet. Matt didn't resist, letting himself be led out of the mall and to the closest bus stop and onto the bus.He didn't remember getting home. He didn't remember getting into bed. He didn't even remember night passing; he only knew that he awoke the next morning with a headache and a dry throat. He crawled out from under the covers, not surprised to see he was still fully clothed, and made his way out into the living room. It was a Sunday, the only day his Dad couldn't make an excuse to go to work.  
Going out into the kitchen, he poured himself a glass of water without a word to his parents.  
"Matt."  
He turned to see his Mum looking up at him, an unreadable expression on her face. Without speaking, he turned his attention away and made to go back into his room.  
"Matt, we need to talk."  
"If it's about yesterday, forget it," he stated angrily.  
"No, it's about this."  
He turned again to see his mother clutching two objects in her hand; a lighter and a packet of cigarette papers.  
"Tai bought you home yesterday from the mall; said you weren't well. We put you to bed and as we did, these fell out of your pocket. Would you like to explain yourself?"  
Matt shrugged. "No. Not really."  
"I think you'd better."  
"I'm sixteen. You can't tell me what to do."  
"When you're eighteen I can't tell you what to do. When you're sixteen, I'm still responsible for you. Now, would you like to explain why these were in your pocket?"  
Matt shrugged again.  
"Matt, I thought I'd always taught you not to be so stupid," his father spoke up softly.  
"Hypocrite," Nancy said, pointing to the coffee table where a packet of his cigarettes lay.  
"Don't start," Matt snapped.  
_At least they don't think it's cannabis I'm smoking… I hate to think how they'd react, then…_  
_After all, this conversation is one that they can't win, seeing as Dad's just as guilty as I am of smoking._  
_Well. Kinda._  
"Matt, I just want what's best for you-"  
"Oh yeah?" He cut in, leaning against his doorframe. "And splitting me and TK up when you divorce is going to be what's best, is it?"  
His father winced at that comment, and he almost felt like retracting it.  
Almost.  
"You should be setting an example for TK," Nancy stated, tossing the two items onto the coffee table.  
"So should Dad," Matt hit back. "He doesn't know, and it doesn't really matter. Sixteen is the legal age, so what's your problem?"  
"I hope you don't do it under my roof."  
Matt laughed. "Even if I did, do you think I'd let you stop me?"  
Nancy narrowed her eyes. "Matt, you don't realise who you're speaking to! I'm your _mother_ and I expect some respect from you!"  
Matt didn't reply, trying not to smirk. He hated that idea.  
"Well, I'm confiscating these."  
"Good. I can go buy some more."  
"Not if I don't let you out!"  
"What do you think I am; a dog? You can't tell me what to do, don't you _understand_ that!"  
"And you can't do as you please!"  
"Why am I even bothering to _have_ this conversation!" Matt yelled, losing his temper a little. "You're _always_ right, aren't you! You _always_ have to have it your way, even if it means upsetting everybody else! I mean, where's TK! I bet he left because of some stupid thing you said, huh!"  
"Actually, I informed him about the plans for the future and he left quite civilly."  
"The plans where you mean to split us up, you mean?"  
Nancy didn't reply, simply turning her head away to close the conversation.  
Matt narrowed his eyes, seething beyond words. He snapped, suddenly, throwing his glass of water across the room; startling his parents into staring at him wide eyed. It hit the wall at the other end of the apartment, shattering and spilling water into the carpet and surroundings.  
"_Hey_! _Listen _to me you cold hearted _bitch_!"  
Nancy was on her feet in an instant, striding across the room. Matt didn't shy away, grinning wide.  
"So what are you gonna do, Mum? Are you gonna hit me? Throw me out? I hate to tell you, both of those things are illegal at my age… After all, I'm only sixteen, remember?"  
Nancy stopped.  
"I don't know what," she said, her voice level and controlled. "But right now, you need to get out of my sight."  
"You seem to say that a lot," Matt said, stepping back into his room. Reaching down onto his bedside table, not taking his eyes off his mother, he grabbed his wallet and mobile phone. Putting them in his pocket, he exited the room and headed to the front door.  
"Don't bother to come back!" His mother yelled angrily, yet Matt could hear tears in her voice.  
_Don't cry… No matter how much I hate you right now, I'll always love you when you cry… I have to…_  
"I won't, don't worry," he snapped back without turning.  
"Good!"  
The word came out as a sob, and then there was silence. Tears filling his own eyes as he realised the damage that had just been done, Matt opened the apartment door. Closing it quietly- such a non-climatic end to such an argument- he fell back against it and slid to the floor, burying his face in his hands.  
"Matt…?"  
He looked up to see TK standing at the end of the hall.  
"I could hear you guys from the elevator… Is it safe to go in…?"  
_My little brother's asking me if it's safe to enter his own apartment…_  
_Mum, Dad… What are you doing to us…?_  
"Of course it's safe," he replied, standing and smiling falsely. The tears on his cheeks and in his eyes betrayed him, but it was the least of his concerns. "Me and Mum just had a set to again. As usual."  
TK smiled a little, but Matt could see the questioning in his eyes.  
_I'm so sorry, TK. I'm sorry._"You made a good job of that, didn't you?"  
Nancy looked up at her husband, who had lit a cigarette, leaning back in the chair.  
"You were hardly a help!" She snapped, tears falling from her eyes.  
"You know you can't reason with Matt when he's like that. So what if he's decided to smoke? He can make his own mistakes, and you can't tell him how to live his life. I think you'd just better hope he doesn't make the same mistake as us."  
"…us?"  
"Getting married to the wrong person…"  
"And who's your right person, then?" Nancy asked, drying the tears from her eyes. "Some girl at work? At the local shop? Where?"  
Mr. Ishida shook his head sadly. "No. I… I had rather hoped it would be you, Nancy."  
A pause.  
"Well it's not, is it?"  
"No. It's not."  
"So we need to do something about it."  
"It's going to destroy them."  
"Matt's already destroyed…" Nancy said softly. "And TK seems to be taking it well so far. It'll be fine."  
The front door clicked opened, and TK walked in.  
"Hey Mum, Dad," he called.  
Nancy quickly dried her cheeks. "Morning, son," she called.  
"Can I ask you a question?"  
"Mm, sure."  
TK appeared in front of them, concern etched across his features.  
"Why is Matt crying out in the hall?"_I need something to keep my mind off of this…_  
_I don't have anything, not even a lighter. Lot of good that is._  
"Hey! Matt!"  
He stopped and glanced round to see where the call came from, even though he recognised the voice.  
Ahead of him, running towards him, was Tai. He was grinning wide when he approached, making Matt wonder how he stayed happy _all_ the time.  
"How are you feeling today?" The brunette questioned.  
Matt smiled weakly. "Not bad."  
"You don't look right."  
"Just had a fight with Mum, is all. I'll be fine."  
Tai raised an eyebrow, which Matt ignored. He carried on walking, leaving Tai to walk beside him in his own time.  
"You seem to spend a lot of time fighting with your parents these days."  
The comment startled Matt for a moment, but he quickly regained his cool.  
"My parents seem to spend a lot of time fighting with me, Tai. I don't pick fights with them unless they give me meaning to. Or rather, my Mum. Dad just sits there and stays quiet."  
"He knows not to get you angry today, eh?"  
"I guess. Mum today… She was like a women possessed, and I wasn't exactly calm myself…  
_Shut up, and do it now, before you talk too much._  
"What happened?"  
"Mum said some things she shouldn't have… I lost my temper and threw a glass of water across the apartment before saying some things _I_ probably shouldn't have said. Mum told me not to come back; I told her I wouldn't. But, it never works that way, does it? I'll go back tonight, she'll say sorry, and then they'll be signing divorce papers.  
"She… She wants me to go with Dad. Maybe she really _doesn't_ love me. I'd just rather go into care than see this happening… TK seems oblivious to it all, but he's not, really. He's just good at hiding things."  
"So are you."  
"Sometimes. Not always."  
_And now, you _will_ shut up, because you've already said too much._  
"So what are you doing out today?"  
"Nothing. Getting out, getting away…"  
_Getting some more drugs…_  
Tai sighed softly.  
"I was coming up to see you," he said. "Your Mum called me, asked me a couple of questions…"  
"Like?"  
"Like, she wanted to know when you started smoking."  
Matt didn't even flinch; he had been expecting that.  
"What did you tell her?"  
"That _I_ wanted to know when you started smoking. I had no clue."  
"Hmm."  
"So… Why _have_ you, Matt?"  
_I just love the way everybody assumes its tobacco. I can live with that, considering the options…_  
"Can you blame me?"  
A pause for a moment, and then Tai was shaking his head.  
"No. I can't say I do. Just… I don't want to make you angry, but I'm sure there are other things you could do…"  
_What, like heroin? Been there, done that, need it again…_  
_…huh?_  
_Need it again? Where did that come from?_  
And then the urge was there; biting him sharply and phasing his very existence down into one path of thought. He curled his hands round his stomach, the feeling making him feel suddenly sick.  
"What? What's the matter?"  
"Nothing," Matt said between gritted teeth, pulling his hands from his stomach and forcing himself to walk in a vaguely guided straight line.  
"Doesn't look like nothing."  
"Well, it _is_!" Matt snapped angrily.  
"If you're still feeling sick, you shouldn't be out."  
"And even if I _was_ sick- which I'm not- where would I go? Home?" He laughed sharply. "I don't think so."  
"Whether you think you're sick or not, you don't _look_ right. You're all pale…"  
"Stop fussing!" Matt snapped sharply. "It's nothing I can't handle."  
"Why don't you just come back to my place…? Did you eat this morning?"  
"No…" Matt said, defeated. He felt guilty for snapping out at his friend; after all, he'd genuinely been trying to help.  
"Then you're probably just hungry. Come on… I'll fix you breakfast?"  
Matt raised an eyebrow.  
"Okay, so maybe not. But Mum can fix you breakfast!"  
"I don't expect your mother to feed me, Tai. It's a sweet offer, but I'd feel awkward. I think I'll pass."  
"Are you sure I can't convince you…?"  
Matt sighed, whilst Tai gave his best impression of a puppy being told 'no' to treats.  
_I've never seen him so protective…_  
_But, everyone seems worried about me. I don't want to prove to them they're right._  
"Tell you what," Matt said, smiling just a little. "Let me go into town and get some painkillers, and I'll come back in about half-hour? You can use the time to have an impromptu cooking lesson, seeing as you're set on cooking for me."  
"I could come with you…? Mum'll cook…"  
"No, it's okay. Really. I'd rather you didn't. I… I need some time to reflect after this morning, and I'm not much company when I'm sick. I get irritable."  
"Okay, that's cool," Tai said with a nod. "See you in half-hour?"  
"Sure, about that. If the buses run on time, I guess!"  
Tai laughed and ran off in the direction of his apartment. "Great!" He called over his shoulder. "See you then!"Just over half an hour later, Matt was making his way to Tai's apartment. He was clutching another small, silver packet in his pocket, feeling relieved yet guilty, too. He'd forgone the needle this time, figuring that he could get away with smoking it now his parents were convinced he did anyway. If he was ever caught, it would be explainable.  
_Does that make me happy or not…?_  
_I just hope they don't tell TK… He'll be so disappointed…_  
He certainly hadn't forgotten to pick up another lighter and cigarette papers; he was going to need them. He pulled them from his pocket; the small green packet, and the tiny blue lighter. He clenched his hand round them, putting his hand back in his pocket as he knocked on Tai's door.  
"It's open!" A friendly voice called out, which Matt recognised as Tai's mother. He entered, and was greeted by the smell of a cooked breakfast. Tai grinned from the dinner table, where he was already eating.  
"Morning, Matt!" Mrs. Kamiya said with a smile. "Sit down, I'm almost done."  
"You needn't have gone to so much trouble…" Matt said, blushing nervously.  
"Tai was going to cook," Mrs. Kamiya explained. "Cooking for you is a small trouble compared to what Tai would have done to my kitchen!"  
"Hey!" Tai said round a mouthful of toast. "You're worse than me at cooking!"  
"Now, I don't understand how you came to- Oh! The toast!"  
Mrs. Kamiya hurriedly pushed the 'cancel' button on the toaster to reveal two slices of charcoal colored bread, looking very sorry for itself. She sighed, putting her hands to her hips.  
"It's okay, I'm not too fond of toast anyway," Matt said, blushing a little. He didn't like being fussed over.  
"That's beside the point. Who set it up higher than normal?"  
Tai laughed nervously. "Well, I was late for college, and I wanted breakfast before I left…"  
"Didn't you think to put it back again, Tai?"  
Tai shook his head, grinning a little.  
"Well, in future, I wish you would…" The sentence tailed off as she looked into the frying pan.  
"What…?" Tai asked, getting up to look. He laughed as he saw what had happened to the bacon.  
"Matt, your bacon shrunk a little…" He said, going back to the table to have a laughing fit.  
"That's okay," Matt said, shaking his head. "Really, you've already gone to too much trouble…"  
"Don't be silly," Mrs. Kamiya said, putting the miniature-sized bacon onto the plate along with the spaghetti, eggs, tomato and sausages. "Do you want vinegar on this, Matt?"  
"…vinegar…?"  
Tai laughed even harder at that comment.  
"No thank you, Mrs. Kamiya…"  
"Ketchup?"  
"Mm, no, I'll pass on that, too…"  
"Did you get painkillers, Matt?" Tai asked, somehow reducing his laughter to giggles.  
_Painkillers!_  
"No… The shop I went to had sold out…"  
"I'm sure we've got some paracetamol around somewhere," Mrs. Kamiya said, placing the saucepan and frying pan she had used into the sink. "Tai, would you check the medicine cabinet?"  
"Uh hmm," Tai said, stuffing the rest of his toast down his throat as he made his way to the bathroom.  
"Sit down, Matt," Mrs. Kamiya repeated kindly, placing the plate down on the table.  
"You _really_ didn't need to go to so much trouble," he said softly.  
"Don't worry if you can't eat it all; Tai's a human dustbin, he'll finish what you don't eat," Mrs. Kamiya said, handing him a glass of orange juice.  
"Thank you…"  
_Tai's Mum is showing me more respect than my mother has ever done…_  
"Didn't Tai have to go to college this morning?" He asked her, sipping the orange juice.  
"No, not until this afternoon. Have you got a free day, Matt?"  
He nodded. "Yeah. I'm working from 3pm, though. If I feel better, that is…"  
"Got some!" Tai called, emerging from the bathroom with a small packet in his hand. He tossed it to Matt, who caught it deftly.  
"Thanks, Tai." He opened the packet and popped two pills from their protective blister packet, thinking quick.  
_I don't think I can take these with… That stuff… I don't know, but I can't risk it…! I know feeling sick is probably just withdrawal symptoms, too…_  
"Aren't you going to take them?" Tai asked. Matt snapped out of his train of thought.  
"Huh? Oh, yeah…"  
He picked the glass of orange juice up and made like he'd put the pills in his mouth. Taking a sip of juice, he swallowed and sat down; pocketing the pills as he did so.  
"That'll make you feel better in no time," Mrs. Kamiya said, smiling kindly and placing a hand on Matt's head. "Hope you enjoy it, sweetie."  
With that, she picked a magazine up off the side and made her way to the sofa. Matt glanced across at Tai, who was currently feeding a small amount of bacon to the cat beneath his feet.  
"Tai?"  
Tai looked up, dropping the bacon. The cat pounced on it greedily, snatching it up within its jaws.  
"What did you tell your Mum?" He whispered.  
"That you were having a few problems at home," Tai explained. "Nothing much."  
"She needn't have done this…"  
Tai shrugged. "Mum's weird; she like to cook."  
"I like to cook, Tai."  
"Well, you're just weird then, too."  
Matt grinned a little.  
_Being with Tai makes me feel normal. I almost feel like I don't need it._  
_But… I do. My body needs it. One shot and I'm already addicted… How sad is that…?_  
_I need it._  
_I _need_ it._  
"Tai, can I use your bathroom?" Matt said, standing quickly.  
"Hmm? Sure."  
Matt nodded and made his way across the hall, shutting the bathroom door and locking it quickly. He pulled the small packet from his pocket, shaking like a leaf as he examined it.  
_I can't smoke it in here… They'll know…_  
_I can't inject it, because I don't have a needle…_  
_I can't take it off the packet, because that'll be obvious…_  
_Think! Think quick!_A few minutes later, the decision was made, and Matt was making his way back to his half-eaten breakfast. The silver packet still rested in his pocket, but he now had a plan.  
"Tai?" he said, catching his friend's attention as he sat back down and picked up some toast. "I have to work this afternoon, but I really don't feel up to it… Could you call them for me and explain…?"  
Tai nodded. "Sure, gimme the phone number."  
Matt reeled it off from memory as Tai fetched the cordless phone, tapping the number in.  
"Hello? I'm calling regarding Yamato… He won't be into work this afternoon, he's not very well. Okay. Okay, I'll tell him. Bye."  
"Well?" Matt asked, wandering into the living room with the orange juice in his hand.  
"The guy asked if you could let them know when you feel up to coming back, and he sends his wishes for you to be well."  
"Do you feel a little better now you've eaten something, Matt?" Mrs. Kamiya asked. Matt smiled.  
"Yes, I do. Thank you very much…"  
"No problem, any time… Just ask Tai to let me know, and I'll do what I can for you, sweetie."  
_I appreciate her concern, but it makes me feel so awkward…_  
"I have to go to college this afternoon," Tai said after a moment. "Will you be all right?"  
"I'll be fine," Matt re-assured. "TK'll be home, he'll keep me sane. I still don't have any painkillers, though… I'll need to get some…"  
"You can have some of ours," Mrs. Kamiya said, standing up to fetch them.  
"No, really," Matt said. "I can get some on the way home, from the local shop."  
"Then why did you go into town before to get them?" Tai asked, bewildered.  
"_Because_… I need to clear my head a little. I'll stop by on the way home and get some, really."  
"You're welcome here as long as you want, Matt," Tai said, and Mrs. Kamiya nodded in agreement.  
"Thanks for your hospitality," Matt said softly. "But I think I need to go home… Mum and I have some things to sort out…"  
"Do you want a lift?" Mrs. Kamiya asked. Matt shook his head.  
"No, really, you've done enough. The walk'll do me good."  
With that, he bowed slightly in respect and made his way to the front door.  
"I'll call you later?" Tai called, more a question than a statement.  
Matt smiled. "Sure. I'd like that."  
And then he was gone, leaving Mrs. Kamiya to look after him sympathetically, and Tai to sigh and shake his head. He _knew_ there was something bigger going on, but he also knew Matt would never say what.  
_Matt, why do you have to be so stubborn…?_  
. . . . . . . . . .  
In the elevator on the way down, Matt was already rolling the brown powder into a cigarette paper. He was shaking so much he was surprised it didn't spill all over the red carpeted floor, and was relieved when the elevator pulled to a halt and he could exit it and the building.  
Sticking the small white stick in-between his lips, he lit it and inhaled, hoping for the best.  
He choked.  
Coughing, he was half-tempted to throw it to the floor and stamp on it. But, no, he had paid a lot of money for it, and he wasn't going to waste it.  
_Injecting was easier, I hate to say…_  
He eventually recovered and tried again, this time a smaller intake of smoke. He found that easier to handle, and by the time he reached the local shop, had finished the stick without any more ado.  
Throwing the small amount that was left to the floor and stamping on it, he entered the shop. The sales assistant looked up from his newspaper and acknowledged him with a nod.  
Matt soon found what he was looking for; painkillers. He picked up a box and a drink- the smoke had made his throat sore- and walked to the counter.  
However, something caught his eye as he placed his items down on the counter.  
_Filters, that's a good idea… But what's that thing…?_  
"Can I have a box of filters, please?" He asked, clearing his throat a little as he realised how scratchy it sounded. He picked up a packet of soothers from the point-of-sale rack next to the till and placed them down.  
"Sure."  
A box of filters next to his small pile later, and Matt was intently studying a small box next to where they had come from.  
"What's that?" He asked, pointing to the box.  
"This?"  
The assistant picked it up. "It rolls cigarette tobacco into one of these for you." He picked up a box of what looked like cigarettes. "It's like smoking tobacco from a cigarette; it's quicker and easier to have them made up in a box than it is to roll them as you want them."  
_Aha! Buy a pack of ten normal, replace the contents with those… Edited ones…_  
"I'll have the machine, and the fake cigarette things," Matt said.  
"You won't need the filters if you have those."  
Matt shrugged. "Okay, I won't have filters. I'll have ten cigarettes instead."  
"Ten what?"  
"Anything."  
The sales assistant looked baffled- most people had a favourite brand- and placed down a pack of something in a gold box. Matt noted they were the most expensive, but didn't comment.  
"Do you need any tobacco for the machine?"  
Matt shook his head. "No I don't, thanks."  
Ringing up the total in his head, he mentally winced. When the sales assistant confirmed it, he winced again.  
_Geez, I can't believe Dad spends this kinda money every single day on these…_  
Handing over a note, he accepted his change and pocketed it. He could feel his senses going a little out-of-normality, so he grabbed his purchases and left, heading home as quickly as possible.  
If he was going to suffer the euphoria that heroin gave him, he'd rather do it at home when it could be directed at his mother.He pushed open the door after unlocking it, swallowing heavily to combat his dry throat. The drink he'd bought at the shop was long gone, yet the raging thirst wasn't. He was grinning wide, something he couldn't help.  
He also hadn't placed his purchases into his pocket; he'd carried them home in his hand. He did so as he entered.  
"Home…" He yelled as he got in the door.  
Both his parents turned, surprised to see him.  
Walking straight into the kitchen, Matt turned the tap on and poured himself a glass of water.  
And another.  
And another.  
"Matt…?" His father asked quizzically.  
"Thirsty," Matt replied, placing the glass in the sink, finally satisfied that he was no longer in need of it.  
"I'd have never guessed…"  
"Smoking will make you thirsty," Nancy said bitterly.  
Matt shrugged, still grinning.  
"You smell of smoke," she continued.  
Matt shrugged again.  
"Night," he said simply, walking into his room and closing the door.  
His very confused parents exchanged a look.  
"…What was all _that_ about…!" Mr. Ishida exclaimed as TK opened his bedroom door.  
"Did I hear Matt come in?" He asked.  
"You did, but… He went back to bed…"  
TK raised an eyebrow, confused.  
"Bed? He really isn't well, is he?"  
"No, he isn't…" Nancy said softly. "Don't disturb him, darling, he's obviously very tired…"  
"Okay…" TK said, eyes narrowed a little in thought as he went back into his bedroom.  
"So… When are we going to get the papers…?" Nancy asked quietly.  
"Not today," her husband replied. "Today, Matt's sick. I think he could do without it. Tomorrow, we will. Tomorrow, we'll do it all."  
. . . . . . . . . .  
An hour or so later, Matt awoke to the sound of his cell phone ringing. Picking it up, he answered it quietly.  
"Matt, it's Tai… I said I'd call…"  
Oh, yeah… Hey…"  
"How are you feeling?"  
Matt laughed a little. "Terrible."  
_I know the effects aren't worn off completely… I could go out there now and make things right again, because I'm too happy to care what she says…_  
"Were you sleeping?"  
Another laugh. "Yeah."  
"Well, you _sound_ better."  
Matt didn't reply; he simply laughed again.  
"And you sound happier, too."  
"Mmm."  
"So, remember to call your work and let them know when you'll be back, right?"  
"Sure, I will."  
"And will you be at college tomorrow?"  
"Should be. I think a good night's sleep'll help a lot."  
"Good. Glad to hear it, buddy."  
Matt nodded, even though Tai couldn't see.  
"Well, I think I'd better go. Got homework to do."  
"Good, 'coz I was about to kick you off the phone anyway. My throat's hurting and I need a drink."  
It was Tai's turn to laugh, then. "Sure, okay. I'll see you tomorrow?"  
"Sure will. Bye."  
"Bye, Matt."  
Matt disconnected the call, stretching and walking out into the living room. He shielded his eyes from the light a little, making out the forms on the sofa; three, in all.  
_My whole family…_  
"Hey…" He said softly, his voice hardly present. He went into the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water. As he began to pour his second, his father was at his side, putting a hand over the tap.  
"Don't drown yourself like earlier!" He said good-naturedly.  
Matt grinned.  
"My throat _really_ hurts…" He said softly.  
"Your mother's right, that'll be the cigarette smoke," his father said softly, so Nancy couldn't hear.  
Matt didn't reply, pouring another glass of water as his father let the tap go.  
"You need to come and sit down when you're done, Matt. We need to talk to you and TK."  
Matt nodded, finishing the glass and putting it in the sink. Walking into the living room, he sat down next to TK on the sofa and looked at his parents expectantly.  
Nancy sighed. "Well, as you boys know, it hasn't been working out between your father and I lately…"  
She paused and glanced at Matt, as though she were expecting a flippant comment. She didn't receive one.  
"So, we've decided to… Divorce…"  
"You've been saying that for a while," TK said quietly. "And it hasn't happened."  
"No, but it is now. It's for the best, really…"  
"Best for _who_?" Matt asked.  
"All of us," his father answered. Matt shrugged, accepting that as an answer. He knew he was grinning just a little too wide, so he tried to stop.  
He failed; laughing instead. Or rather, trying to hide behind his hand and trying not to laugh.  
"Matt, this isn't a laughing matter!" His mother snapped.  
Matt just laughed harder.  
"Matt!" His father said sharply, warning in his tone.  
The blonde stopped instantly, but the grin remained.  
"I'm glad to see it's so funny to you."  
"It _isn't_…" Matt said, leaning back in his chair. "I _have_ to laugh…"  
"Well, as I was saying," Nancy continued after a moment's silence. "We're not going to be living together anymore, obviously… We feel it's only fair that-"  
"I know, I know," Matt interrupted. "TK goes with you, I go with Dad. Mum, you've said all this already."  
"Yes, but… I've always said it when I've been angry… I've never sat you both down and told you it straight. I didn't want you thinking I'd only been saying those things because I was angry."  
"You were never angry with TK," Matt stepped in again. "It was always with me. So why don't you just direct this whole conversation at me, and stop boring TK with it?"  
"TK needs to listen as well," Nancy replied. "You need to know when this is going to happen."  
A moment's silence.  
"It's… It's going to be this weekend."  
"What!" Both TK and Matt exclaimed, both shocked by _that_ development.  
"TK and I will be moving out of the city. You and your father will stay here, Matt."  
"Out of the _city_?" Matt repeated, glancing at TK. "You can't split us up like that, that isn't fair!"  
"And it's not fair to keep us all under one roof," his father said. "Life isn't fair, and don't expect it to be so now."  
Matt sighed. The effects of his earlier high had worn off completely, and the euphoric haze he had been in vanished. It was time to leave the conversation as it was, which he attempted to do by standing up and walking to his bedroom.  
"Matt, I'm not done talking," his mother said softly.  
"I'm done listening," Matt snapped, opening his door and slamming it shut behind him.  
Before either of his parents could react, TK was up like a shot and striding across the lounge to Matt's bedroom. He pulled the door open and shut it without another word.  
Nancy sighed.  
"Well, _that_ went well…" She said softly, gazing sadly at Matt's bedroom door.  
. . . . . . . . . .  
"Matt…?"  
Matt ignored TK, lying face-down on his bed. He had his face buried in his pillow. He rather liked it there; it was doing a good job of hiding his tears.  
"Matt, listen…"  
TK sat down on the bed beside his brother, placing a gentle hand on his back. Matt didn't reject it.  
"I don't want you to move away…" His muffled voice said after a moment.  
"I know. But do you really want to live with Mum and Dad at each other's throats all the time?"  
"I'd rather that then split us up."  
TK sighed softly, gently pulling at Matt's arm to coax him up. He succeeded, making his elder brother sit upright.  
"I'll only be a subway ride away."  
Matt sniffled, turning his gaze away.  
"What if I don't have any money?"  
"Then I'll lend you some."  
"And how will I get to you for you to lend it to me?"  
TK shook his head sadly. "I'll make Mum pick you up…"  
"And if she's not home?"  
"Matt, stop. Don't make this more difficult than it already is."  
"I don't like the idea of not being able to get to you. What if something happened and you needed me?"  
TK laughed a little. "I'm old enough to take care of myself."  
"You're _twelve_, TK."  
"I'll be thirteen next week!" TK protested, grinning. "I'm sure I can handle anything life wants to throw at me."  
"What if you have an asthma attack and you're home by yourself?"  
"Stop making me panic."  
"Sorry…"  
"Besides, Joe lives out of the city, right? I'm sure he'll help me if I need him to. You know, if I start choking on air, I'm sure he can be by my side and panic just as much as you would."  
Matt laughed a little at that, drying tears from his eyes.  
"See? I'm always a phone-call away, if nothing else. This doesn't mean we're going to lose contact; in fact, I'd say the opposite."  
"I know, I know… It doesn't mean I have to like the arrangement."  
"I don't like it, either, but I'd rather Mum and Dad split up and be happy."  
Matt nodded. "I _know_ TK. I just don't want to have to live alone with Dad. I guess I'll miss you and Mum…"  
"I _know_ I'll miss you and Dad."  
They were silent for a moment, before Matt reached out and hugged him brother tightly. TK returned it, making himself comfortable in the elder Ishida's arms.  
"TK?"  
"Hmm?"  
"You do realise Mum'll change back to her maiden name? You'll be a Takeishi, not an Ishida."  
"I know. I'll always be of Ishida blood, though."  
More silence. TK re-adjusted his grip on his brother, but pulled away, puzzled after a moment.  
Matt raised an eyebrow, confused.  
"What's in your pocket, Matt?"  
Matt's eyes widened.  
_And now, I have to explain…_  
"Painkillers," he said, pulling them out and throwing them onto the side.  
"No, there's more in there. What else?"  
Matt sighed and pulled his little collection from his pocket; the box of cigarette-cross-filters, the machine they went with, the lighter, the cigarette papers and the cigarettes themselves.  
TK snatched the packet of cigarettes from him.  
"When!" He demanded to know.  
"Don't start. Mum and Dad already had this out with me."  
TK didn't reply, throwing the packet down on the bed.  
"And I thought you would have known better," he said after a moment. "I have asthma. I would do _anything_ to have healthy lungs, and you're damaging yours!"  
"I know, TK…"  
_Back to injecting, back to injecting…_  
"Look, I don't _need_ it," he said. "Mum and Dad were stressing me out, and it was helping… But now, I won't need it."  
With that, he picked the whole lot up and dropped them in the bin. He pulled the packet of soothers back out after he realised they had been in the pile, too, and put them on the side.  
"You… You'd do that… For me…?"  
TK seemed shocked, and Matt didn't blame him.  
"Actually, why don't I just give it all to Dad? That'll mean I haven't wasted the money."  
"Don't encourage him."  
"I'm not; he'll do it anyway."  
TK shrugged, getting off the bed.  
"Thank you," he said simply before exiting, smiling just a little. Matt pulled the myriad of items from the bin again, pocketing the small lighter and making his way to the living room.  
"Here."  
He dropped the lot onto the coffee table, much to the surprise of his parents.  
"Dad, it's all yours. I quit."  
With that, he turned and headed to the front door, walking out of it and pulling it closed behind him.  
Nancy stared at the items of the table, and then at TK who had appeared in the doorway.  
"What did you say to manage _that_…?"_I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to cry…_  
Matt closed his eyes tightly, mentally cursing as tears fell anyway.  
_I_ am_ going to cry._  
_But I don't want to._  
He wiped the tears from his eyes and kept walking, reaching the bus stop at the end of his road. It was just beginning to get dusky, the pull of winter shortening the days and lengthening the nights.  
_I don't think I need it…_  
_I hope not; it's only been a few hours since I had it…_  
_I don't think that's it. I know I need to get away for a while._  
_Absolutely. I need… Sanctuary, a safe haven…_  
And as the bus veered into view, he counted some coins out in his hand. He knew where he would be getting the bus to.He stood nervously, tapping on the door, almost as though he didn't want to be heard. He hated turning up on people's doorsteps unannounced, and didn't want to intrude on anybody's home.  
The door was pulled open, and he resisted the urge to stare at his feet.  
"Matt?" Mrs. Kamiya said, looking surprised. "If you've come to see Tai, honey, he's gone to college, remember?"  
"Oh yeah… Sorry to bother you…"  
"You're not a bother, dear," Mrs. Kamiya said softly, smiling.  
_More than my parents could say…_  
"He's due to finish in an hour or so if you want to stay?"  
"No, no, I don't want to intrude… I'll come back then…"  
"Don't be silly. You're here now, and you're more than welcome to stay."  
With that, she pulled him into the apartment and shut the door, practically pulling him to the table and making him sit down.  
"Now," Mrs. Kamiya said matter-of-factly. "Make yourself at home. There's food in the fridge if you skipped lunch, and magazines on the coffee table… You can watch TV if you want; we have satellite channels now. I've got to go shopping, and then pick Tai up, so I'll be gone. The place is yours. Kari's at a friend's doing a school project of some kind, I don't know. She works too hard, that girl."  
"Actually…"  
"Don't question me, dear. What we have is yours."  
_For God's sake, you're going to make me cry with your kindness…_  
"No, I was going to say… Perhaps I could go shopping with you?"  
_That sounds like such a strange request… She's going to think I'm crazy, but I need to do something normal…_  
_Something a parent would do with their kid, I guess…_  
Mrs. Kamiya looked taken aback, but recovered quickly smiled.  
"Sure, if you want to. I've just got to get my coat and keys together."  
Matt nodded, trying to push back the foreboding tears on his conscience.  
"Can I just use your bathroom first?" He asked.  
Mrs. Kamiya laughed. "Now, you know where it is, you needn't ask. I'll go out to the car; pull the door shut tight as you leave, okay?"  
"Okay."  
With that, he turned and walked into the bathroom, shutting the door and leaning against it. Away from other's eyes, he fell apart almost instantly, stifling his sobs into his hands.A few minutes later, he was on his way out to Mrs. Kamiya's car. She was waiting for him in front of the apartment block, having obviously taken her car out of its usual resting spot; be it a car park or parking space, Matt didn't know.  
He opened the back door, only to be told 'no, don't be silly' by Mrs. Kamiya. He took that to mean he was to get in the front, so he did.  
He buckled the seatbelt, trying to keep his eyes averted. One glance in the bathroom mirror before he had left had confirmed his eyes were red and swollen from the tears that had overwhelmed him.  
They drove on in silence for a while, until Mrs. Kamiya spoke.  
"You know, Matt, if you're having problems… You know Tai'll always listen to you."  
Matt stared at the dashboard, his cheeks reddening.  
"He's a very good listener, once he gets himself out of his habit of cracking jokes when someone's trying to talk serious." She laughed a little. "He always does that. It can be frustrating sometimes."  
"I know…"  
"But, really. He'll listen, if you talk. You don't seem to be spending a lot of time at home recently, and you don't _look_ the same. You were always so… Well presented, I think is the word. And now, you don't seem to mind if your hair is a little out of place, or that your clothes are creased…  
"I'm worried about you, dear. You're not yourself. And… Well, you know, if you don't want to talk to Tai, you can always talk to me."  
Matt opened his mouth to deny all, to say 'you needn't be', but said something very different instead.  
"My parents are divorcing."  
He would have clapped his hand over his mouth if that wouldn't have looked so wrong. He mentally kicked himself, though.  
_She doesn't need to know your problems…!_  
"Oh? Sorry to hear it…" Mrs. Kamiya said, and she actually sounded generally upset for him. "So that's why you've been spending a lot of time away from home, is it?"  
"…yes..."  
"Well, you're welcome at mine any time whilst your parents are sorting things out."  
"Thank you…"  
They pulled into the supermarket lot, parking the car near the entrance. They exited the car, Mrs. Kamiya grabbing a nearby trolley and wheeling it instead. Matt walked a couple of paces behind, not knowing what to do.  
"Here."  
Mrs. Kamiya handed him a list. He glanced at it, realising it was a shopping list.  
"If you want to take your mind off things, you can read this out to me."  
"Oh! Sure, I'll do that…"  
And he did. And he found himself smiling; _enjoying_ the experience.  
It was the first thing he had enjoyed for quite a while.About an hour later, and a boot full of shopping later, Matt was nibbling the corner of a chocolate bar Mrs. Kamiya had insisted on buying him. He wasn't all that hungry, but she had been adamant.  
They parked up outside the college, nightfall closed in completely now. Tai didn't finish until 5 pm, Matt remembered, and it was 5.10. Tai was waiting for them across the car park, with another figure. As they approached, Matt could see it was Izzy.  
Tai looked as though he was going to protest to someone being in the front, but upon seeing who it was, kept his mouth closed and climbed in the back with Izzy.  
"Izzy's coming home for tea, Mum," Tai said. Mrs. Kamiya smiled in the rear view mirror.  
"Good afternoon, Izzy."  
"Good afternoon, Mrs. Kamiya."  
"Matt's joining us for dinner as well," she said, pulling out of the car park. "He went with me to do my shopping today, and very helpful he was, too. He didn't place all the goodies in the world in the trolley," she said, winking at Tai.  
"Who, me?" Tai replied, mock innocent.  
"Yes. You. And my shopping bill was actually less than normal."  
Tai's face fell. "No chocolate?"  
Mrs. Kamiya grinned and pulled up to a red light. Reaching into a shopping bag by Matt's feet, she threw two bars of chocolate into the back. Tai's face lit up as he grabbed one and then gave one to Izzy.  
"Thank you Mrs. Kamiya."  
"Thanks Mum!"Upon arriving back at Tai's, Matt was beginning to feel withdrawal nipping at him. He mentally cursed it and pushed it to the back of his mind, but it kept creeping forward.  
It bit him hard as he was walking across the hall to the elevator, carrying some of Mrs. Kamiya's shopping bags. He fell to his knees with a slight cry, half-dropping half-placing the bags down to wrap his arms around his head. Raging pain tore through his skull, making him want to leave everything and go and get some.  
_Need some. Need some now._  
"Matt?"  
Tai was behind him, grabbing the bags that had fallen.  
"Matt, what's wrong?"  
Tai sounded hazy, he realised. Not at all right.  
"Need water…" He said softly.   
Tai nodded, nodding to Izzy to go ahead with his Mum, who was now standing next to him, worried. Between them, they took the bags Tai had and took them up with them, leaving the two alone in the hall.  
Tai knelt down next to him, placing a hand on his shoulder.  
_I'm making them worry about me. This is my own fault, they needn't worry!_  
"Are you okay? You haven't been right for a few days, now…"  
Matt shook his head as the pain subsided, making a move to stand. He managed to do so, Tai's hand on his arm for support.  
"What's wrong?"  
"I…"  
_No. You mustn't. Remember TK's disappointment; you can't disappoint Tai, too…_  
Izzy reappeared from the elevator, running across and handing Matt a glass of water. Matt nodded his thanks, drinking it gratefully.  
Izzy cast a 'what is it?' look to Tai, who shrugged. Izzy nodded and made his way back upstairs again.  
"My parents are divorcing, Tai," Matt said so quietly he could barely be heard, when he was sure no-one was around. "They're divorcing tomorrow, and TK'll be gone by the weekend. Mum…"  
He cut himself off with his tears, sinking to the floor.  
"Mum's taking TK out the city… S-she's splitting us up, l-like she said she would! T'isn't _fair_!"  
The last part was more of a howl of pain than a coherent sentence, and he could see the shock in Tai's eyes before he turned his own away to the floor. He curled his knees up to his chest, burying his face into them. Sobbing, he tried to pull away from Tai as he gently touched his shoulder.  
"T'isn't fair…" He continued. "She doesn't _care_, she never _has_ done and never _will _do! She wouldn't care if I was dead in a gutter right now; she has no _clue_ where I am! And she obviously doesn't _give_ a damn! She's _never_ loved me; _no-one_ does! But why should I be surprised, 'coz no-one gives a damn these days…"  
"Hey!"  
A sharp smack round the head later, Matt was looking up at Tai through his tear-filled eyes. Tai had his fingers curled into fist, and rage was evident in his eyes.  
"You take that back! That's saying that _I_ don't give a damn! Because you know what, blondie, I _do_!"  
"_Don't_ call me blondie!"  
"Well _don't_ assume I don't love you!"  
Matt tailed off.  
"I didn't say you…" He muttered.  
"You said 'no-one'. That includes me."  
"I didn't _mean_ you."  
"Well, don't make me believe that, then."  
There was silence then, occasionally punctuated by the sound of Matt trying not to cry into his knees.  
"Come on," Tai said after a moment, the earlier anger gone from his voice. "Mum'll be worried."  
"Your Mum treats me better than my Mum and Dad put together, Tai."  
The comment was unexpected, and it made Tai re-think his plans to leave. After all, Matt hadn't changed positions.  
"And I'm s-sorry, you know, if it seems like I'm trying to steal her or something…"  
"Steal her!" Tai laughed. "Matt, don't be daft."  
"It feels like that… She cooked for me, and let me go shopping with her, treated me _well_…"  
"Treated you how you deserve to be treated," Tai corrected.  
"She made me feel _worth_ an adult's attention. _Worth_ more than just someone to yell at… She made me feel _wanted_…"  
"Well, doesn't TK make you feel wanted?"  
"Yeah, but-"  
"And don't _I_ make you feel wanted?"  
"Well, yeah, but-"  
"Well, then. You _are_ wanted then, aren't you?"  
"It's different when it's your parents," Matt explained, straightening himself out into a stretch, standing as he dried the tears from his cheeks. "No matter how much they push me away, I still… I still try to make them happy. Try harder, even, to make them _notice _that I exist…"  
"Well, don't then."  
"Not that easy…"  
_I need some. I have to get out of here._  
_Did I tell him I'd 'quit' smoking? No, don't think so._  
"Are you coming up for dinner then or what?"  
Matt nodded. "Yes, I will be. I just need to get something first."  
"Like?"  
"Like… Cigarettes?"  
Tai laughed. "Opportune time to quit, ya know."  
Matt shook his head. "I'll be half an hour, if that. It's not far on the bus."  
"What's wrong with the local shop?"  
"Closed."  
"No, it-"  
"Leave it. Tell your Mum and Izzy that I'm fine, and that I've just gone to get something. Half an hour, Tai."  
"But-!"  
"Half an hour."  
And then he left, leaving a bewildered Tai standing in the hall watching him.No less than twenty minutes later, he was making his way through the rough estate that he had come to know like the back of his hand. His shook his head sadly as he made his way through gangs of kids, probably no older than fifteen, dressed like adults and acting like they owned the place. Many of them were smoking- probably something other than tobacco, Matt realised- and many had drink cans and bottles in their hands.  
And then there was _that_ area…  
Scantily clad women, leaning over the bonnets of cars, seductively grinning at the passers by whilst hiking their skirts up _just_ a little. Teasing, tantalizing, and Matt hated it.  
_This is going to put me off ever having a girlfriend…_  
"Hey cutie."  
He turned to see a tall blond, all leg and bust. He sighed, ignoring her sexual movement on the front of a car behind her. He had gotten used to the calls and the whistles as he made his way through them. They seemed to be everywhere, probably selling their bodies to get cash for drugs.  
_Bitter, horrible cycle that one._  
He spotted who he was looking for, and made a beeline. He tapped him on the shoulder, and the guy turned to him.  
"Ah! I was wondering when you'd turn up."  
Matt nodded. "Need it, I guess."  
The dealer shrugged. "I've got the junk. Have you got the cash?"  
"Of course."  
Matt handed over a small bundle, which the guy counted and pocketed.  
"Needle?"  
"Yes, this time."  
More money exchanged hands and then Matt was gone, making his way back out of the estate without another word or a glance. He hated every second of it.He barely had time to sit down on the bus when his mobile phone rang. He pulled it from his pocket and answered it, rolling his eyes as he read 'home' on it.  
"Yes?"  
"Matt, it's Dad."  
"Oh. Hey Dad."  
"Where are you, son?"  
"I'm going to Tai's for dinner, and then I'll be home, okay?"  
"Good. Next time you leave after a fight, let me know you're okay, won't you?" A slight laugh. "I've been worried."  
"Well, after the weekend there won't _be_ any more fights."  
"…That's true, I suppose. Sorry, Matt."  
"What for?"  
"For… Splitting you and TK up… He said you were upset about that idea…"  
"Yeah, well…"  
"You can see each other all the time, you know. It doesn't mean you won't be in contact anymore."  
"I know Dad."  
"And… You know, things will be different after your mother leaves. Things will be calmer, and you won't have to spend so much time away from home…"  
"I _know_, Dad…"  
"Well, I'm going to let you go. I'll see you when you get home? Are you eating?"  
Matt sighed. "I just _told_ you I'm eating at Tai's."  
"Oh." A nervous laugh, which made Matt smile a little. "Sorry."  
"Nah, don't be. See you later?"  
"Yeah. See you later."  
Matt disconnected the call, pocketing his phone and getting vaguely comfortable on the filthy seats.  
He _hated_ bus rides.  
. . . . . . . . . .  
Not long later, he gently pushed at Tai's front door. It had been left ajar, he realised, for him as Tai looked up from the dinner table and grinned to him.  
"Come on, Mum's dishing up dinner now!" He said with a grin. Matt made his way in and to the table, where he noticed Izzy was also sitting. He sat down, smiling up at Mrs. Kamiya.  
_No offence Tai, but I really don't want to be here right now…_  
_No, that's not it. I don't want to be here because I want to be off getting high. That sounds _so_ terrible…_  
He snapped out of his thoughts as a dinner plate was placed in front of him. He thanked Tai's mother without really hearing himself, picking up the fork and eating slowly. He wasn't hungry. He wasn't anything, in fact. He was living in a world which he didn't want to be a part of at the moment, merely existing in a time-space he couldn't see.  
_Get me _out_ of here…_


	2. Off The Verge, part 2

On the way home, he toyed with the needle and packaging in his pocket. He felt sick, his head was pounding, and he _knew_ he needed it. _Had_ to have it. His body had become dependant on it, and it needed its dose.  
He fell against a nearby wall, feeling too weak too move. His limbs were heavy, as though they were weighted down, and he felt he could walk no more.  
Running a hand across his brow, he was shocked as to how cold it was.  
_Maybe… Maybe I'm just sick. Maybe it's not withdrawal._  
Shivering slightly, he slunk down to the floor, feeling his gooseflesh rise with his shivers. He forced himself to his feet and half-fell into a nearby alley. Finding the energy to jog to the end, he fell to his knees and pulled the needle and packet from his pocket. Shaking still, he quickly picked up a nearby discarded drinks can and sliced it in half, emptying the powder into it.  
Breathing deeply, he pulled the lighter he had bought from his pocket; small, blue lighter that he clenched now like a lifeline.  
_It's probably one of the most pleasurable experiences I've had. All the pain goes. All the anger goes. It makes me feel safe and warm, like being wrapped up in a blanket…_  
_God, I need that blanket…_  
Liquidizing the powder, he drew it up into the needle and pulled his shoelace free; a tourniquet. Flashbacks of his first dose, that day in the mall car park, hit him and he closed his eyes tightly as he pushed the needle into his raised vein.  
And then, euphoria. A rush that couldn't be described overwhelmed him, and all day's stresses fell away. He stood up, loosening the shoelace from his arm and tying it back into his shoe.  
He had barely gone ten yards before he collapsed.Beep… Beep… Beep…  
"Why?"  
"I don't know."  
Beep… Beep…  
"Any longer and he would have died?"  
"Yes. Certainly."  
"…Matt…."  
Beep…  
. . . . . . . . . .  
"So give me some answers…" Nancy said wearily. "What happened to him…?"  
She, Mr. Ishida and their youngest son were seated in a small conference room with a doctor, who was looking over some notes.  
"Yamato injected brick-dust into his veins," he said simply. "Obviously a dealer trying to cut out the heroin and still make money… He would have cut down the amount of the drug and placed brick dust in instead…"  
"Heroin!"  
"Yes, Mr. Ishida. Yamato's been taking heroin. It appears to be short term; a recent thing."  
"I had no idea…"  
The doctor looked sympathetic. "Most parents don't. Tell me, did he have any problems? Any reasons why he felt he had to take drugs?"  
"…Well, we _are_ divorcing…" Nancy said quietly, almost guiltily.  
"I'll be straight with you; the situation doesn't look good. He's going to have to go on a dialysis machine to cleanse his blood. It won't do his kidneys any good, having to cleanse brick-dust, but it's the only way we can do it. He'll remain comatose until the treatment is completed, as discussed before."  
"But… He'll live?" TK interjected softly.  
"Yes. He'll live. He's a very lucky young man."  
"He's a very stupid young man…" Mr. Ishida muttered.  
"That he is, too. When he recovers, we'll have to decide on treatment. The most popular is using 'methadone'; it's a substitute to heroin. It'll give his body all the same effects, but without the high and damaging side effects. There's also 'cold turkey'; he'll have to be placed into solitary whilst he goes through that. Cold turkey can make people very ill indeed. Their bodies have become dependent on heroin…"  
"So… If they fail, then he'll never come off of it?" Nancy asked, wringing his hands in her lap.  
"I can't answer that, Mrs. Ishida-"  
"Ms. Takaishi…" She said softly, her eyes to the floor.  
"I can't tell you how strong Yamato will be. We will have to wait and see. Right now, we want to concentrate on the dialysis."  
"Of course, doctor… Go ahead…"  
The doctor did so, making his exit as the three looked at each other.  
"Matt? Heroin?" TK said softly.  
"And we thought he was in the wrong for smoking tobacco," Mr. Ishida said with a sigh. "He's got a lot of answers to give…"  
"Let him recover," Nancy said sharply. "Don't go throwing questions at him as soon as he wakes up."  
"I didn't say I was going to, I-"  
"Shut up!"  
They both turned to see TK, who was on his feet. His hands were clenched tightly by his sides, and his eyes shimmered with tears.  
"Matt's like this because of _you_ anyway!" He yelled. "So why don't you both just _leave each other alone_ and stop _fighting_!"  
With that, he turned and fled the room; his parents watching him leave in a guilt-filled silence.  
. . . . . . . . . .  
"Matt…  
"Matt, I know you probably can't hear me, but…"  
TK sighed, fighting back tears as he took in the scene before him. Blue eyes closed and numerous wires linking him to a machine… The machine that was currently cleansing his blood free of the chemicals he had injected.  
_He _had _injected_.  
"Matt, you know what? You were stupid. You _are_ stupid."  
He stood and walked away from his brother's bedside, not wanting to look a moment longer.  
"And you know what else? I _trusted_ you. I _looked up_ to you."  
He shook his head sadly.  
"Not any more, Matt."  
He sighed and left, closing the door behind him and willing the tears in his eyes not to fall.  
"That was harsh."  
He turned, startled, to see Tai leaning against the wall outside the room. To TK, he looked cool and collected- ever familiar grin present- but his eyes were red. A giveaway to his _real_ mood, TK reckoned.  
"Well, it's true."  
"Maybe so, but I wouldn't say it to him now. If he can hear you, he may never want to come around."  
"It'd be easier for him. The… doctors were talking about treatment programs and stuff. Sounds hard."  
Tai shrugged. "Probably is. But, I'd imagine Matt did this for a _reason_, TK."  
"That reason would be our parents," TK said bitterly.  
"Well, whatever the reason, there's no point in being angry at him. He'll be angry enough at himself."  
"…What if he's not?"  
Tai seemed to contemplate this. "Don't even go there," he said after a moment. "He will be. He _has_ to be."  
"Why?" TK asked, the tears that had been threatening making their way down his cheeks.  
Tai grinned. "Because if he isn't, I'll kick his ass.""You know, TK's probably right…"  
Nancy looked up from her hands, where she was currently crying, to glare at her husband. He had an unlit cigarette in hand, probably just to keep his fingers occupied knowing he couldn't smoke it in the hospital, leaning back in the chair looking relaxed.  
"What are you so calm about?" She snapped.  
"Matt'll be fine. The doctor said that. He'll just need the dialysis, and then that cold turkey thing, and he'll be fine. Back to normal."  
"Normal!"  
"Yes. Normal. He'll learn from his mistake."  
Nancy shook her head in disbelief. "And you're not going to _punish_ him for this!"  
A shrug, which annoyed her further. "I think cold turkey and damaged kidneys are going to be enough punishment, don't you?"  
She _hated_ the way he sounded so smug. So _right_.  
"I'll deal with it, then," she muttered. "At least one of us will be the responsible parent."  
If Mr. Ishida heard her, he made no comment."Matt… I…  
"Matt, I don't…"  
Tai sighed softly.  
"TK, you need to _tell_ him. Go on. Say it."  
"Matt, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I never meant to call you stupid.  
"Well, I _did_, but I didn't mean it in a bad way."  
TK sat down on the edge of Matt's bed, taking his cold hand.  
"Well, I _did_ mean it in a bad way, but you get what I mean, right?"  
He smiled weakly.  
"Right?"  
Tai sat down on the other side of the bed, smiling across at TK.  
"I think he understand what you mean, TK."  
TK looked up at him, hope in his eyes.  
"You think?"  
Tai nodded. "Absolutely. He may be stupid, but he's not deaf."  
"No, but he's comatose."  
"And he's right here, too, so stop talking to me and talk to him instead."  
"TK…?"  
The young boy turned to see his mother and father in the doorway. He scowled darkly.  
"What are _you_ doing here?"  
"Matt's our _son_," his father said softly. "We have as much right to be here as you."  
"You _put_ him here!"  
"TK-"  
"No! If you hadn't have been so _selfish_ Matt would never have done this! He wouldn't be here now, he'd be home and well!"  
"TK, calm down," Tai said softly.  
TK turned to him.  
"And _you_! You're no better! You failed to see it, you didn't stop him!"  
"I didn't _know_, TK. None of us did. Do you really think I'd have let my best friend sit by and take drugs! Huh!"  
TK stopped; seeing crystal tears in Tai's eyes, he realised perhaps he had pushed him a little _too_ far.  
"Tai, I'm-"  
"Yeah, whatever," Tai said irritably, wiping the tears from his eyes. "Don't you dare say sorry."  
"All that matters now is that he's going to be all right," Mr. Ishida declared.  
"Yes, because if he hears you all bickering, he'll wake up and do it again," Tai muttered.  
TK glared at him.  
"Stop looking at me like that," Tai snapped, angrily wiping away a stray tear from his cheek. "I'm only telling the truth."  
"Will you all _get_ _out_ if you're going to argue?" Nancy intervened. "It's probably not doing him any good to listen to you all argue…"  
"Mum, you're the main _cause_, so don't preach like that."  
"How _dare_ you!"Beep… Beep… Beep…  
_You know…_  
_You know I can hear you, don't you?_  
Beep… Beep… Beep…  
_And, you know, right now I want you all to go away if you're going to be like that._  
_TK, I know I'm stupid. I don't need to be told._  
_And no Tai, I won't wake up and do it again._  
Beep… Beep…  
_And, just so you know, I'm sorry._  
_I…_  
_I… I think I hurt…_  
_Somewhere, I know I should be hurting… I heard doctors saying I had brick dust mixed in with the heroin…_  
_Bastard dealer._  
Beep…  
_So, where from here? That cold turkey thing doesn't sound very nice. That's what they want to do, but they haven't told you yet._  
_No, they wouldn't, would they?_  
Beep… Beep… Beep…  
_No, they'll tell you when the thing I'm rigged up to works._  
_I heard them saying the symptoms of cold turkey to you, Dad. I know they've discussed this with you, because you're the only sensible family member here._  
_No offence TK, Mum…_  
Beep… Beep…  
_Cold turkey is going to suck. Hot flushes, being irritable, sickness, weepy, insomnia…_  
_What else? I know it was a long list._  
Beep… Beep…  
_Oh yeah. Boredom, weakness, constantly needing to pee, sneezing, shy of bright lights, lively…_  
_Good God, that's a long list I could do without._  
_But they'll make me…_  
Beep… Beep… Beep…  
Beep… Beep… Beep…  
_What have I done…?_  
. . . . . . . . . .  
One week on…  
. . . . . . . . . .  
"Matt…?  
"Matt, baby, it's Dad…"  
He opened his weary eyes and looked up, squinting in the strong light.  
"Hurts…" He said softly.  
"What hurts?"  
"Everything…"  
"Well, you're very lucky, Matt. Your kidneys have repaired themselves."  
"They shouldn't have."  
"Why?"  
Matt smiled weakly. "I injected brick dust, remember?"  
His Dad smiled back at him. "Yes, Matt. I remember. How could I forget?"  
"How… How is TK? Is he still angry with me?"  
"No, Matt. He's not. He _was_, but he's not now."  
"I heard you. I could hear you talking. Arguing. But, it's okay. I know you won't do it anymore. I know…  
"I know my back hurts. What the heck have they done to me?"  
His Dad laughed a little. "That'll be your kidneys, Matt. You've been on a dialysis machine for the past week. It's been cleaning your blood for you, because your kidneys were damaged. They can't filter brick dust, you know."  
Matt lowered his head. "I know…"  
"But, they've repaired themselves, which means it's all up from here."  
"Except cold turkey."  
"Ah. You heard?"  
"I heard everything."  
"Do you think you can handle it?"  
Matt shrugged. "Probably not. But, I'll try. I want to quit."  
"Matt!"  
He looked up, startled, to see a figure running towards him full-pelt, not stopping until they were securely resting in the elder's arms.  
"TK…"  
"Don't even say it," TK said, hugging him tighter. "Don't say sorry. Just, don't ever do it again. Tai'll kick your ass if you do."  
"TK!" Mr. Ishida said, raising an eyebrow.  
"Sorry, Dad…"  
"Don't repeat everything I say," came a voice from the doorway. TK let go of Matt, who looked up at the brunette standing across from him.  
"Tai…" He said softly.  
"Idiot," Tai stated simply before striding across the hospital room. "What a stupid idea, Matt! Brick dust!"  
"I didn't _think_ it was brick dust."  
"Well, what about the heroin!"  
Matt didn't reply.  
"I'm not going to lecture you," Tai said, sitting on the bed and softening his tone of voice. "But, just… You won't do it again, right? You'll kick the habit, won't you?"  
"I'll try."  
"Promise me."  
Matt shook his head. "I can't promise something in case I break it."  
"You wouldn't dare," his father said. "Else you'll be here again and we'll have _all_ have put you here."  
Matt smiled just a little at that.  
"Yamato?"  
He glanced up to see a doctor walking across the room to him. He noticed his mother in the doorway, but didn't even grace her with a smile. He was still angry.  
"Glad to see you awake. How do you feel?"  
Matt shook his head. "Awful."  
"What feels 'awful'?"  
"Everything. My back's hurting; Dad's say that's my kidneys. And… Well, _everything_ hurts."  
"That's normal. Your kidneys have had a hard time, even with the dialysis machine. We're going to monitor you for the next twenty four hours and make sure everything's working all right. And then, when you're well in a couple of day's time, you're going into a nearby hostel."  
"Cold turkey, right?"  
The man nodded. "How are you feeling now?"  
"You just-"  
"No, I mean, are you craving?"  
"No, not at all."  
"Good. You're body's still waking up, but if you do feel like it, let somebody know."  
Matt nodded.  
_I don't want to feel like it, ever again…_  
. . . . . . . . . .  
Three days later_I want it! Now!_  
Matt growled in frustration, kicking out at the people who were taking him into special wing in the hostel. He'd been there a total of one and a half hours, having a tour, after he'd caved at the hospital and admitted that he was craving.  
_Bad mistake… What, did you think they would give you some?_  
The doctors had made sure he had the all clear before whisking him off to the hostel, where he would be locked into his own area with no access to other people. Ten days, they told him.  
_Ten days of solitary…_  
_They can stick that, I'm not doing it._  
"I'm not doing it!" He shouted, voicing his thoughts. "Hear me!"  
He was ignored; a doctor stood in front of him- a kindly looking middle-aged man named Dr. Jinsei- opened up a door and entering through it. He locked it as they all passed through, leading Matt into a room on the left.  
After being unceremoniously dropped to the floor, Matt stood to look round the room.  
Well. The _cell_.  
It was tiny, with a comfortable looking bed and a small window letting a lot of light in, despite the bars on it. A desk lamp and a chest of drawers sat by the side of the bed, and the floor was carpeted.  
It wasn't _quite_ as bad as a cell, but Matt still didn't want to be there.  
"Don't think you're locking me in here," he said angrily.  
"I'll come by later, when your father drops off your things," Dr. Jinsei said, kindness in his eyes. "I know it's hard, but you have to _want_ to succeed, Yamato. I don't want to see you again in hospital in six months time."  
Matt didn't reply, sitting down on the bed and crossing his arms sulkily.  
"The bathroom's opposite this room, and there's a cord in the hallway. Pull it in a genuine emergency; _not_ to rant about wanting heroin. Got that?"  
Matt nodded, still sulking.  
"I'll see you later, Yamato."  
With that, he turned and closed Matt's door.  
Matt was up in an instant, following him out into the hallway.  
"You know, I don't want to _be_ here!" He yelled to Dr. Jinsei, who stopped in his tracks but didn't turn. "I don't want to be locked away!"  
Matt thought for a moment, the list he had heard in hospital coming back to him.  
"Hot flushes!" He yelled, stamping his foot on the ground. "Being irritable, sickness, weepy, insomnia, boredom… Weakness, constantly needing to pee, sneezing, shy of bright lights, lively…!"  
He paused for breath, angry enough to want to throw himself through the door Dr. Jinsei was blocking the moment he opened it.  
"And I _really_ don't _want_ any of that! But you know what! I _do_ want some fucking smack!"  
"Go back into your room, Yamato, before I lock you into one room and keep you there."  
Matt growled angrily and opened the door to his room again, walking back inside the slamming the door shut. He threw himself down on the bed, feeling tears in his eyes.  
_I'm angry. Why the hell am I crying!_Later that night, he awoke at what must have been about three am, feeling himself burn up. He untangled himself from the covers and fell to the floor, trying to cool himself down by resting his head against the nearby wall.  
_Hot flushes, they say… What an understatement…_  
He stood, a little unsteady on his feet. He felt sick, very sick, as warned, but he lay down to fend it off. Sleep normally healed him.  
Instead, he lay there for about half an hour, unable to sleep.  
_Great. Insomnia. I can't stay here much longer, anyway… Too hot, too fed up of lying still, too desperate to pee, too bored, too sick, too lively…_  
_Just about everything off that stupid list I've managed to memorise… No-one said all in one go! That's not fair!_  
He pulled himself off of the floor, pulling a flannel from his overnight bag and heading to the bathroom.  
_I _will_ get some sleep tonight. Cold flannel will help, because I can't deal with those hot flushes…_  
Five minutes later, he was on his way back to bed, the cold flannel pushed tightly against his forehead. Lying down on top of the covers, he closed his eyes and willed sleep.  
Only to be woken again an hour later, this time by the overall feeling of cold.  
_Cold flushes! Huh!_  
He sat up and got under the covers, throwing the flannel off of his pillow. It was wet, so he turned it over.  
And yet, he still shivered. Tightly pulling the covers round himself, he tried to get comfortable to get back to sleep. He couldn't though; again, he found his eyes wide open.  
_I want some _sleep_… I don't want to keep getting woken up for whatever reason…_  
He curled up a little more and forced himself back into sleep, but he didn't stay there long. Only ten minutes later, he awoke feeling much too hot, needing to pee again, and unable to ignore either and go back to sleep.  
Growling in frustration, he threw the covers onto the floor and jumped on them, heading back to the bathroom. Stopping before he reached the door, he turned and grabbed his trampled covers.  
_Even if I have to sleep on the bathroom floor, I _will_ sleep!_  
. . . . . . . . . .  
The next morning, he awoke to find someone attempting to move him from the bathroom floor. He growled and they backed off, leaving him to sit up. He scowled at whoever it was, and when his vision restored itself, he could see it was Dr. Jinsei.  
"Why the bathroom floor?" Was all that was asked.  
Matt sat up, pulling the covers around himself. He was cold now.  
"_Because_," he answered irritably.  
"Are you going back to bed now?"  
"No."  
He stood up, picking the covers up and taking them back into the bedroom. Flinging them on the bed, he sat down on them and crossed his arms.  
"After the third day, things will settle down," Dr. Jinsei reassured him.  
"Three days, huh? Well, isn't that just great!" Matt snapped. "Like I _give_ a damn about three days time!"  
"Someone will bring you breakfast shortly," Dr. Jinsei said, turning and heading out the door. "Try and go back to sleep."  
He pulled the door shut, and Matt knew better than to follow.  
_Try and sleep, he says…_  
_I'm still cold, but I know it won't be for long. Tell my body to make up its mind on a temperature and I'll sleep._  
He curled up under the covers, sneezing a little. Pulling the cover tightly around him, he leant against the wall behind him, too awake to sleep.  
He'd just made himself comfortable when his temperature suddenly changed again, making him so hot he immediately pulled the covers off. And then, of course, couldn't get comfortable again.  
Matt sighed angrily.  
_I don't know where I am right now! I can't sleep, can't get comfortable, can't do anything normal…_  
_Well, I'm just going to stay here like this. Fuck you, body._  
And stay like that he did, for another half an hour. Breakfast was bought in on a tray and he thanked whoever was responsible, leaving it on the chest of drawers next to him.  
_Too hot…_  
_Yeah, and you'll be too cold if you move._  
He stared up at the ceiling until he couldn't stand lying still any more. The moment he moved, he felt cold again, and his body informed him he needed to pee. Again.  
_No. I'm going to ignore it. I'm fed up with walking to the bathroom and back._  
_God, my head hurts…_  
Ten minutes later he relented, throwing himself off the bed and heading to the bathroom.  
_I can't _stand_ the idea of ten days of this…_Later that day, Dr. Jinsei entered the room to find Matt sitting on the floor in the centre of the room, curled up into a ball. Raising an eyebrow, he didn't question.  
"_Please_ distract me."  
Matt looked up, eyes tear filled and red. He looked as though he'd been crying for most of the afternoon.  
"_Please_ do _something_. I want it. I _need_ it."  
"You will feel like that," Dr. Jinsei said, sitting down on Matt's bed and making no attempt to go near him. "Like I said, after the third day…"  
"I won't _be_ here on the third day!" Matt snapped. "I feeling like I'm dying…"  
"That's normal. The difference is, it _won't_ kill you. Death from withdrawal is less common then death from heroin abuse, Yamato."  
Matt sniffled, wiping his eyes.  
"Whatever…"  
"It's going to be hard. Cold turkey always is. But think of the benefits if you succeed."  
"I can't _handle_ it!" Matt declared. "I can't handle feeling sick all the time. I can't handle the hot and cold flushes. I can't handle not _sleeping_ because my body wakes me up for one reason or another."  
"But can your body handle heroin?"  
Matt nodded. "Heroin, yes. Brick dust, no."  
"Do you want to know what will happen if you keep using heroin?"  
Matt shook his head.  
"Heroin abuse is associated with serious health conditions such as fatal overdose, collapsed veins and diseases such as AIDs or hepatitis. You may also develop infection of the heart lining and valves, pneumonia, liver disease, not to mention your kidneys.  
"Still want to risk all that for a hit of smack, Yamato?"  
"I didn't want to know!"  
"Why? Because you don't want to hear the risks? Because you want to come out of here, mug some poor old lady, and go and buy drugs?"  
Matt looked shocked. "No!"  
"A lot of abusers do that. You could become one of those."  
"_No_!"  
"_Yes_, Yamato, you could."  
"Leave me alone!" Matt yelled angrily, burying his head in his hands and sobbing harshly. "I don't want to _hear_ it!"  
Dr. Jinsei stood, sensing the blonde's outburst as a signal to leave.  
"_Don't_ just come in here and do this to me, then _leave_!" Matt yelled angrily, glaring up at him.  
He received no reply, other than the door closing behind the man as he left.  
"_Bastard_!" Matt yelled out at him viciously.  
If he was heard, he was ignored.  
"You _stupid_, fucking_ bastard_!"  
No, he realised, cursing at Dr. Jinsei wasn't going to make him feel any better. So he stopped, favouring sobbing into his hands.  
When he felt like he could move again, he stood and stretched. He ached all over; another withdrawal symptom. He felt very sick, as he had done for most of the day, but he tried to ignore it.  
_And what am I going to do? I'm not tired, so I can't sleep the days away…_  
Sitting down on the bed, he wished he had something to distract him. _Anything_ to distract him, to keep his mind from wandering back to that pleasant high he'd had with drugs.  
_I could _so_ do with that right now…_  
_No! You have to stop thinking that way…_  
He stood, coughing a little. It didn't make him feel any better, and no less than five minutes later, he was curled up on the bathroom floor after throwing up.  
He _still_ wasn't feeling any better.  
_Let me out of here… Let me out and I won't do it again, I promise…_That evening, he was in bed semi asleep, when he heard his door open. He glanced up, shivering, to see Tai standing in the doorway with Dr. Jinsei.  
"Your parents and TK are here," Tai informed him. "The officials are giving them a 'he's going to be very out of character' talk. He warned you might be violent, or you might be depressed."  
"So how did you escape through the net?" Matt wondered, sitting up with the covers wrapped firmly around himself.  
"Because I told them that's nothing new to me, anyway."  
Matt couldn't resist a smile.  
"So how are you feeling?" Tai queried, walking across the room and sitting on the edge of Matt's bed. They both noticed Dr. Jinsei leave, but could see his shadow in the doorway. He wasn't going anywhere far.  
"Terrible. They never warned me I'd feel this bad."  
"But which is worse, eh?"  
Matt shrugged. "Right now, don't ask me that if you want an honest answer. I feel _awful_. I keep getting temperature changes, and I can't sleep. Or rather, I sleep for about ten minutes and then wake up for numerous reasons."  
"So it sucks?"  
"Yes, it sucks."  
"Does it suck as much as injecting brick dust?"  
Matt laughed at that; couldn't help himself. And then, couldn't stop laughing; not until he found himself in a coughing fit, anyway.  
Tai just watched, grinning wide.  
As he recovered, he glared up at Tai in mock-anger. Tai grinned wider.  
"I needed that," Matt said softly. "Thanks."  
"No problem; I aim to please!"  
Matt laughed again, but cut himself off and clenched his stomach.  
"Matt?" Tai asked, suddenly concerned.  
"Sick…" Matt muttered.  
"So maybe it wasn't such a great idea to make you laugh…" Tai said, the grin leaving his face a little.  
"No, don't be sorry," Matt said hurriedly, straightening himself and curling deeper into the bedcovers. "I need a laugh. Everything's so straight-laced in here, and this room is boring me senseless."  
"Well, it's a nice little room you've got here."  
Matt raised an eyebrow. "I feel like a prisoner."  
"Are you treated like one?"  
"Probably."  
"Do they feed you bread and water? Do they chain you to the wall?"  
Matt laughed again.  
"No, I guess not…"  
"Then you're treated better than a prisoner. Trust me, Matt; it's for your own good."  
"They reckon I'd be mugging old ladies," Matt said, not making eye contact with his friend suddenly. "I… You know I'd…"  
"I know you wouldn't," Tai answered quickly.  
Matt sighed, throwing the covers off onto the floor as best he could with Tai sitting on them. He was too hot, again.  
"Hot?"  
"Mmm. Keeps happening; I get cold, then hot. Apparently, this will all stop after three days or so. Can't come quickly enough…"  
The door opened again, and admitted his family into the room. They seemed weary, like they didn't know how he would react to them.  
"Come in," Matt called. "You'll brighten up my dull and boring room."  
They did so, seemingly relieved that he appeared relatively back to normal.  
"Matt, your father and I have something to tell you…" His mother said, cautiously entering the room. "Your father and I… We signed the divorce papers whilst you were in hospital. We decided to wait until you were a bit stronger before telling you…"  
Matt shrugged. "It was gonna happen anyway, so there was no point in prolonging it…"  
"I'm glad you understand, son," his father said softly, smiling a little.  
Silence for a moment, which was broken by TK.  
"You know, the rest of our friends are here… They're worried about you…"  
Matt shook his head. "No. They can't… I can't let them see me like this."  
"But-"  
"I'm not ready. Not yet. Maybe in a couple of day's time, when I don't feel so bad, but right now I just want to stay here…"  
TK shrugged. "Okay. Maybe two or three days?"  
"Matt nodded. "Absolutely."That night, Matt awoke to the sound of someone walking across the room to him. He jumped, startled, as he realised it _wasn't_ his normal doctor.  
In fact, it wasn't anybody he knew, and it wasn't medical staff…  
"Hello…?" He said softly, sitting up.  
Light flooded the room as his visitor pressed the light-switch, and he blinked a few times to adjust.  
He almost did a double take.  
_Unless there's been a radical change in uniform, I'd say she isn't a nurse…_  
The figure before him- a lady- was smiling slightly, a hand on her shapely hip. She was wearing a black mini skirt that was _just_ long enough, and a low cut white top.  
_Very_ low cut, Matt noticed, feeling himself blush. She wore heavy make-up and her hair was natural blonde; in long, honey waves down her spine.  
Matt figured she'd be attractive is she wasn't so fake-looking; and, if she wasn't standing unannounced in his supposed solitary room, too.  
"Who are you?" He questioned.  
She smiled softly and strode over to the bed, sitting on it and resting her hand on his thigh. He rapidly moved, blushing harder.  
"Mayaku," she answered softly.  
_Who the hell _are_ you…?_  
"I'm here to help you…" she continued. She held a small box out to him, and he realised it was a packet of cigarettes.  
"How did you get in here?" Matt asked, thoroughly confused.  
Mayaku waved the sector guard's keys at him.  
"He's sleeping," she said, and didn't elaborate. "Now, do you want a cigarette?"  
"No, I-"  
"I _said_; do you want a _cigarette_?"  
She shook the box at him, and a closer inspection told him what he _didn't_ want to know. The box was full with roll-up cigarettes, each containing that substance he craved. He _needed_.  
Heroin.  
He took one, gazing at it curiously. Mayaku threw a lighter on the bed next to him, and stood up.  
"Like I said, I'm here to help you. It's yours. Do what you want with it."  
And then she was gone, as quietly as she had arrived, the key turning in the lock audibly to the outer door.  
Matt stared in shock at the stick he was holding, wide eyed.  
_I don't believe that just happened._  
. . . . . . . . . .  
He stayed up all night, then, just staring at the white stick. He'd laid it down on the bed, looking at it and trying to decide what to do.  
_Do I take it and run the risk of ending up in hospital again?_  
_Of disappointing everyone?_  
_Of having to go through cold turkey all over again, when it's just getting better?_  
_Or… Do I take it?_  
_Do I still _need_ it?_  
_Damn you… How could you do this to me…?_  
He simply stared and told himself not to touch. _Warned_ himself of the consequences.  
Shaking, trembling, he picked it up. He _wanted_ to. God, he wanted to. He stared at the door, half wanting someone to come in and rip it from his fingers and stop him.  
"This isn't _fair_…!" He said quietly to himself, feeling tears fall silently down his face. "This isn't _fair_ at _all_…"  
So he put it between his lips, trying _not_ to shake so much he couldn't light it.  
And then took it straight back out again, throwing it to the floor and falling back against the wall. He looked down at it- so small, yet making such an impact- and made a decision.  
A _wise_ decision.  
He walked out into the hall and pulled the emergency cord."You know you made the right decision."  
Matt didn't reply, glaring at Dr. Jinsei with tear filled eyes.  
"If you had taken it, you may well have been hospitalised again."  
"Why do you think I _made_ that decision?" Matt snapped.  
"It must have been difficult…"  
Matt laughed sharply, as if to say 'you have no idea'.  
"And I'm glad you did. You've made so much progress, Yamato. It would have been a shame to knock it all back…"  
"Just who the hell is she anyway!" Matt wanted to know.  
"She's a trouble maker. She's been here a while, and we've been monitoring her. She's known for somehow getting drugs in here, which is why she's in solitary."  
"She wasn't very 'solitary' earlier."  
"I understand that, Yamato. She took the keys from the guard after slipping a sleeping pill into his drink, and then came and found you. You see, you've made quite a name for yourself."  
Matt raised an eyebrow, drying tears from his cheeks.  
"Apparently, you're the 'pretty boy' all the girls here want to take a glimpse at. Mayaku obviously felt she was doing them a favour by trying to keep you here longer, so they could see you."  
Matt laughed. "Well, it failed."  
"Yes, it did, because you're strong willed. Things will get better from today; the fight begins now, and you've made a great start. After all, you would have slept right through the night, correct?"  
Matt's eyes widened as he too realised that thought.  
"And Mayaku will be seriously punished. I have no idea how she got out- her room is much the same as this- but I will be investigating."  
"Good."  
"And you'll be rewarded, too. It wasn't an easy decision for you to make, and it's wonderful that you did. You're starting to think more of the consequences. You should be proud of yourself."  
Matt smiled, just a little.  
_Yeah. Yeah, I think I am._  
. . . . . . . . . .  
_It's now been seven days…_  
Matt flicked through the channels on his small TV he had acquired on the fourth day of solitary. There was nothing on, so he turned it off and threw the remote down onto the bed next to him.  
_Seven days… Only three to go, and I feel fine…_  
He heard his door open, and he glanced up to see Dr. Jinsei standing in the doorway.  
"You're looking good today," the elder man commented. Matt smiled a little.  
"Well, you let me have my hair gel back. Of course I look better."  
"You look _healthy_ today, Yamato."  
Matt grinned. "I only have three days left."  
"Well, you have some visitors, you know."  
"Show them in," Matt replied, no hesitation.  
So the doctor did, admitting his family into the room.  
"Everyone's waiting outside," TK grinned. "Coming?"  
"But, I-" Matt started, but was interrupted.  
"You can go outside to meet them. There's too many of them to bring in!" Dr. Jinsei joked. "But, I have to accompany you."  
"I understand that," Matt replied, standing and following the small group out of the room. Waiting for him outside the room was all his friends; all greeting him with smiles, words of encouragement and hugs.  
_It's so good to be here. I almost wasn't…_  
_My God, how stupid was I? I need to be here. I need to protect my friends and family…_  
And, glancing over at his father as he lit a cigarette, he resigned himself to his first challenge. Getting his father to quit what had turned out to be so much more for himself.

_Author's Notes:_

_Oh hell… . How did that happen? 48 pages has GOT to be my longest standalone. That's double the length of Solstice, and I thought that was long!_

_Well, obviously this has been written for a reason. That reason? Drugs suck, don't ever take them. I've never been there myself, but I've seen people who have been. Not heroin, thankfully, but all drugs don't do you any good._

_I toyed with the idea of killing Matt, but I wanted to send a beacon of hope out to anybody currently trapped in his vicious cycle; that help is available, and you can beat it._

_Feedback or mails if you wish_


	3. And Once Again, He Learns To Walk

Disclaimer: The characters, items, places etc of Digimon are property of Toei Ltd. These objects are used without permission for entertainment only, not for making money. No infringement is intended.

_Could it be? That sequel I mentioned a long time ago, to Off The Verge? Yes, I finally finished it:D_

**_Warning: deals with talk of drugs, and has swearing. Caution if either of these offends you._**

**And Once Again, He Learns to Walk**  
By Nanaki Lioness

Night was beginning to settle over Odiaba. Matt glanced up at the sky disdainfully, pulling his jacket closer around his slim body. It was approaching five pm and already pitch black, thanks to the winter nights drawing in.  
He wasn't heading far from home, and had decided a walk in the cool air of the evening would do him better than catching a bus across the town. As the rain began to fall faster and heavier, he found himself jogging and mentally cursing himself for the decision.  
_This is the last time I decide walking anywhere in the middle of winter is a good thing…_  
Thankful to see his destination approaching, he picked up the pace a little more. He slowed as he reached the entrance, coming to a stop to examine the small building in front of him.  
It wasn't _quite_ what he was expecting. It was a tiny building, with only a green painted door as an entrance. It seemed to be lacking windows and lights, and made the area it stood in seem rather menacing.  
Not wishing to stand outside it for too long, Matt gently pushed the door and stepped inside. He was greeted by a notice board that was hung crookedly on the wall before him, in an otherwise empty room.  
_Is this the right place?_  
It seemed colder inside than out. Absently pulling his coat even tighter around himself, he studied the various notices on the board that indicated he _was_ in the right place.  
The biggest notice right in the middle of the board, or thereabouts at least, was a colourful yellow and red- designed to catch the eye, and it certainly did its job.  
"'Do drugs control you'?" Matt read aloud softly. "'Are you a recovering addict? Come to our weekly meetings, and help stay clean.'"  
_Yup. Right place._  
Venturing to the left a little, he found a glass door with only a 'push' sign attached in the corner. He did as instructed, and was greeted by a blast of warm air. Quickly stepping inside and closing the thin door behind him, he took a moment to take in the room before him.  
It _was_ just a room. A room, with chairs in a circle, and two other closed doors to his right. Both were painted an obnoxious shade of red.  
"Can I help you?"  
Matt turned around to see the owner of the voice- a young man not that much older than he.  
"Am I in the right place for the drug rehabilitation center?" He asked quietly, the echo of the question ringing in his ears. He certainly _hoped_ this was the right place, at least, else he'd probably be removed from the premises extremely fast.  
The man nodded with a smile. "You are indeed. I'm Keikoku Zai."  
He held his hand out, which Matt hesitantly shook.  
"Ishida Yamato."  
"Welcome. Take a seat, you're a little early."  
"Mm."  
He did as instructed, not really sure what to do or say. It didn't appear that small talk was necessary however, as Zai was looking over some leaflets and humming gently to himself at a table in the corner.  
"Yo, Zai."  
"Hi Tetsuda."  
A blonde haired girl practically fell into the chair next to him, dropping her bag on the floor in the same motion. Matt studied her out the corner of his eye for a moment. She was pale and her blue eyes were tired, but she still appeared to be in high spirits.  
"You're a new one," Tetsuda commented after a moment, picking her bag back up and rifling through it.  
"I'm Matt," he said politely after a moment. "And yeah, I'm new."  
"You clean?"  
Matt was about to respond, and then he realized what she had pulled from her bag- a non-discriminate bottle of pills. He pretended not to notice.  
"Yeah, I am," he answered.  
"You should be proud."  
"I am."  
"Stay that way," she remarked, looking up as a couple of other people joined the circle. It didn't take long for it to fill, and within five minutes Zai was joining them and completing the circle.  
"Welcome, everybody, and thank you for attending. I'm very proud to see so many people trying to keep a positive mind about recovering from drug abuse, or indeed, trying to stop. It's not easy as we all know."  
"Zai," Tetsuda spoke up, interrupting him. "I got these, you take them."  
She threw the bottle of pills across the circle, which the counselor caught deftly.  
"My dealer passed me in the street and gave them to me, I think he's pissed he's not getting my business anymore, so he's tempting me or something" she shrugged as explanation.  
"I'm proud of you for resisting them and bringing them here, Tetsuda. Well done."  
"Yeah, yeah."  
"We've got a few new faces today," Zai continued. "And I'd like to welcome you all here. The purpose of these meetings is to meet with like-minded people, and remind ourselves why we shouldn't be tempted to stray back to a life with drugs. We spend a lot of time talking and sharing experiences, and we hope to educate each other a bit along the way."  
_He talks about himself as if he's one of us._  
"Now, with all the boring stuff out the way, I want to learn a little about the new people here. You, what's your name?"  
He pointed at a pretty brunette who appeared to be trying to shrink into the floor.  
"F-Fujo," she stammered.  
"Fujo. Tell us why you're here," Zai said warmly, sitting back casually.  
_This doesn't appear formal in the slightest. I guess that's the idea._  
"Um, well… I came off of drugs about a month ago, and I'm taking methadone now. I'll eventually come off and go cold turkey, but I'm not ready for that yet."  
She paused for a moment a looked at the floor. "I started taking drugs because I didn't know how else to cope with my world. I tried to kill myself but it didn't work, and my Dad was really pissed with me. He didn't understand, he said I was perfect and that I didn't have any reason to be sad. My Dad was sick, I think, because his idea of showing me how perfect I was… Well…"  
Another pause. "He would rape me," she said softly after a few more tense moments. "All the time- he said because I was so perfect, that he couldn't help himself. I couldn't take it. I ran away and lived on the streets, where I meet someone who called himself my savior. He promised me he could help me make more money than I could dream of, get back on my feet."  
She shrugged, more confident now. "He was a pimp, he whored me out. I didn't say no, sex was a numb event for me anyway so I just took it and the cash. But one day… I snapped. I ran from there too, blew all the money I'd been saving on drugs. I was terrified he would come after me, so I'd wake up and get drunk and high and it would ease the pain."  
Matt listened, wide eyed, to the young girl's story. She couldn't have been more than twenty.  
_And here's me thinking I've got such a terrible life that I have to take drugs to live with it. God, what a moron I am._  
"But, I met a guy one day, he gave me money when I was begging. He said he'd help me. I refused, I'd heard it all before, but he kept bringing me money and blankets and clothes and stuff. Eventually I went home with him, like he asked. He let me stay at his house, in his spare room, and helped me address my drug problem. He promised me he'd help me beat it. He's my boyfriend now, he said he fell in love with me when he saw me and wanted to help me, and I actually believe him. So I wanted to turn my life around, for him."  
She stopped, then gazed at the floor again. "Um, sorry," she whispered. "That's all, really."  
The others in the circle murmured encouragingly for her, nodding and clearly sympathizing with her. _Understanding_ her.  
"Thank you, Fujo. And thank you for coming here- you're a courageous young lady."  
"T-thank you."  
"Let's hear from someone else. You, Yamato?"  
Matt stared wide eyed, like a rabbit in headlights.  
_I can't. I can't tell them, not after that, I sound pathetic!_  
"Yamato? Tell us a little about yourself."  
Matt opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. Instead, he stood and ran at the exit.  
He didn't slow his haste as he made for the door, running at it at full pelt and practically falling against it to push it open. Instead, he half-rebounded off of it, and stopped to see why.  
It was labeled 'pull'. He mentally slapped himself for looking even more of a fool than he already did.  
Feeling his cheeks redden, and the room of eyes on his back, he spoke to save himself a _tiny_ bit of grace in the situation.  
"I should probably learn to read."  
There was a silence for a moment, until Tetsuda spoke.  
"This is scary as hell the first time, sure, but running away isn't going to solve anything, right?"  
"It's not _that_…"  
He refused to turn around, or look over his shoulder, or anything- just stared at the glass door in front of him.  
"Come and rejoin us, Yamato," Zai said softly. "If you don't want to talk, that's fine. Most people enjoy sharing their story- they find it a comfort even. But, I'm not going to force you."  
Matt shook his head. "It isn't that I don't want to talk about it, it's…"  
He tailed off, unsure how to word what he was attempting to say.  
"It feels like my reasons for my actions pale in comparison to the rest of you," he said quietly after a few moments, eyes on the floor.  
"Nah," Tetsuda answered. "I started because I was bored and my mates told me it was fun. I didn't have any fancy reasons and I don't have a life story of woe to tell."  
Zai shrugged. "It doesn't matter why you started, all that really matters is that you're aware of stopping or staying clean, whichever is relevant."  
Matt walked back to his seat, nodding at Zai and sitting back down.  
"However, the fact you devalue your reasons concerns me. I hope you'll find comfort one day in telling us about it."  
"Mm," Matt said, staring at the floor, feeling uncomfortable.  
"Now, I won't put you in the spotlight anymore Yamato. If you want to talk with the group any time, just let us know, and we'll listen."  
"Okay. I will."  
. . . . . . . . . .  
"I'm home…"  
Mr. Ishida looked up from his newspaper as Matt entered the apartment, looking tired and weary.  
"How did it go?"  
Matt waved his hand dismissively and shook his head.  
"I don't want to talk about it."  
Mr. Ishida shrugged and turned his attention to the newspaper again. Matt would talk when he was ready… Or when he found a sly way of prying it out of the boy.  
"TK called for you about five minutes ago."  
"Oh?"  
Matt picked up the cordless phone and dialed TK's number, walking to his bedroom and pulling the door closed. Collapsing onto the bed, he waited for his call to be answered.  
"Hello?"  
"Oh, hey Mum. Um, TK called for me?"  
"Oh. Okay. I'll get him."  
Matt cringed- he hated conversations with his mother these days. They always ended up sounding forced and awkward.  
"Matt, hey, how'd it go?"  
Matt smiled at the familiar voice of his little brother. "I made an idiot out of myself."  
"Are you going to elaborate?"  
"Nope."  
He could almost see TK smirking. "When you're ready I'll listen."  
"Mm."  
There was a silence for a moment.  
"That wasn't the only reason I called. I… Needed to talk to someone."  
Instantly Matt was unnerved- TK didn't just call 'to talk' unless something was wrong.  
"I'm listening TK."  
Another pause.  
"Mum has a new boyfriend."  
He paused long enough for his older brother to digest this information before continuing.  
"She bought him home last night, they ordered takeout and acted like I didn't exist. I went to bed early, got woken up in the middle of the night because they don't know how to keep their sex life quiet."  
Matt stumbled over his words before speaking again- a mix of shock at what he had heard about his mother, and a second more protective shock at hearing his little brother talk about something Matt felt he was too young to know about.  
_He's not too young, idiot._  
_But you know he'll always be your 'baby brother' no matter how old he gets._  
"Ah. Talk to her?"  
TK laughed. "You really think I'm going to discuss this with her?"  
Matt smiled. "No, I know you won't. I'm just giving practical advice that I don't expect you to follow."  
TK laughed a little. "I know there's nothing you can do, but I just needed to talk to someone about it, and it affects you too and everything…"  
"I wonder if Dad knows," Matt mused, partly to himself.  
"I doubt it, I swear she only met him yesterday, she's never mentioned him before."  
"I imagine she's known him longer than that, she probably just didn't know how to tell you."  
"Heh."  
Silence again, more comfortable this time.  
"Will you be going for more meetings?"  
The question took Matt by surprise. He'd made up his mind that he wasn't ever setting foot in that place again after making such a fool of himself, but he wasn't so sure now.  
"Dunno. Maybe."  
"Well, let me know. I need to go for now, Matt, I'll speak to you later."  
"Take care TK."  
Matt sighed and threw the disconnected phone gently to his side, lying down and staring at the ceiling. It had been only a couple of months since his parents had divorced. His Mum already had a new partner, when in contrast, his Dad was still learning how to use the washing machine.  
There was a gentle knock at the door.  
"Come in."  
His Dad pushed the door open a little, looking sheepish. These days, that meant one thing- he needed help with dinner.  
"I don't suppose you could show me how to set the oven?"  
"You didn't learn how to do that yet?" Matt chastised gently, getting off the bed and following his Dad to the kitchen.  
His Dad looked sheepish again.  
"I've shown you about ten times now."  
"I know, I just- I want to make sure I get it right and everything. While you're at it, what temperature-"  
Matt held his hand up to interrupt.  
"What you _mean_ is, you know how to set the oven because you can't _possibly_ have forgotten. But, you don't want to burn dinner and want me to do it, but you don't want to ask."  
Without waiting for an answer, he started setting the oven up.  
"Thanks, Matt," his Dad responded with a smile.  
Matt faltered a second. His Dad caught it immediately.  
"What is it son?"  
"I don't know if it's my place to tell you," Matt said carefully, continuing what he was doing.  
His Dad shrugged. "You don't have to."  
"No, I know I don't, but someone has to and it won't be her."  
He paused for a second before cutting straight to the point. "TK called to tell me Mum has a new boyfriend."  
His Dad shrugged again. "We split up, Matt. She can do whatever she wants to do with her life."  
"Don't you care?"  
"I'd be lying if I said I didn't, but there's nothing I can do to change it. Good luck to her and all I suppose."  
Matt wasn't fooled by his father's no-care attitude, but he chose not to point it out. His father wasn't as unaffected by the breakup as he made out to be- he had started smoking again recently, despite Matt's protests at him.  
_Adults can be such hypocrites..._  
The phone rang, still in Matt's bedroom on his bed, he realized. His father went to fetch it and answer it.  
"Hello? Oh. _You_."  
Matt's ears pricked up. He wondered if his mother- and it could be no-one else with his father's attitude- had called to tell his Dad her little secret.  
"I know. What do you mean, how? I found out from Matt, who I presume found out from TK. Nice of you to let me know.  
"You only met him last night?"  
Matt's eyes widened- the dinner momentarily forgotten.  
_Last _night  
"No, I'm not happy for you. No, I don't _have_ to be happy for you."  
A pause for a moment- Matt could hear the tinny sound of his mother's voice, getting louder, and she didn't sound impressed.  
"Oh _shut up, _Nancy. Don't call me anymore unless it concerns one of the boys, alright? I- what?  
"Nancy, I don't care if this man is a miracle worker, go get fucked, and stop calling me."  
If a cordless phone could be slammed down, it would have been. Instead, his Dad ended the call and threw the headset violently against the wall. It bounced off and onto the carpet, miraculously still in one piece.  
Matt didn't know what to say.  
He heard his father flop onto the sofa the sounds of a cigarette lighter igniting, and the TV being switched on. The scent of smoke soon reached Matt, and he sighed, turning back to the dinner.It had been nearly a week since Matt had spoken to TK about their mother. He hadn't heard from his little brother since, but knew he was in an exam period at school, and didn't want to disturb him. It wasn't unusual for them to go some time without contact, but he couldn't stop thinking about the phone call they had shared about their mother. He would have hated living under his mother's roof in such a situation.  
_Not like I'd like living under her roof anyway, mind._  
So, in the middle of the night, he was confused to waken to a call on his mobile- the landline from his mother's. Half asleep and confused, he fumbled to find the 'answer' button in the poor light from his mobile phone screen.  
"TK?"  
"…No, it's Mum, honey."  
Instantly a little more awake, Matt sat up and tried to adjust his vision in the dark.  
"I'm sorry to call you so late, but, is TK with you?"  
"No, I haven't heard from him in a few days."  
"Oh… Well, he hasn't come home and he didn't tell me he wouldn't be coming back today. He's not been himself this week- I know he's studying for exams, but I don't think it's that."  
Matt thought he knew the answer, but stayed quiet.  
"I was just a little worried, that's all, I'm sure he'll turn up. Probably went to someone's house and didn't think to mention it."  
Matt couldn't mistake the nervous, forced laugh.  
"I'll let you know if I see him."  
"Okay. Go back to sleep, honey. Good night."  
His mother ended the call, leaving Matt staring at his phone until the screen light went out. The little display had read 3am.  
Half of him- the tired half- wanted to go back to sleep, and assume his little brother was safe. The other half of him- the rational half- knew that TK wouldn't go anywhere without informing someone first.  
Dialing TK's number, he sighed. He didn't expect an answer- he imagined his mother had tried dozens of times before finally deciding to wake her elder son up.  
It connected. Matt almost dropped the phone in surprise.  
"TK?"  
"Mm?"  
"Mum called me; it's 3am. Where the hell are you? "Matt snapped, instantly a little angry at his brother's casual answer.  
"Out."  
Matt growled.  
"Out at 3am on a Friday night without telling anyone?"  
TK laughed manically.  
"TK! I'm serious!"  
"I'm not going home to that bitch and her _boyfriend_." TK positively spat the word.  
"You don't have to- you can come here for the night. Did you guys fight?"  
TK laughed that maniacal laugh again. Matt got out of bed and flipped on the light, opening his closet.  
"I'm going to come and get you, TK. Where are you?"  
TK muttered something that Matt couldn't understand.  
"_Where_, TK?"  
"Odiaba tube station," TK repeated before abruptly hanging up.  
A mix of angry and incredibly concerned, Matt dressed quickly, grabbed his keys and phone, scrawled a fast note for his father that said 'call me if you wake up', and exited the house quietly.  
. . . . . . . . . . . .  
The twenty five minute walk to Odiaba station wasn't a pleasant one. The January air was bitter and sharp, and the streets were filled with the last few people who were attempting to find their way home from the pubs and clubs. He kept his head high and walked briskly, feeling a little exposed.  
He was glad when Odiaba tube station came into view, picking up his pace a little more. As he approached the steps that led down into the station, he saw TK sitting on them. He wasn't wearing a jacket, and was shivering violently.  
Matt began to remove his jacket instinctively, pausing for a moment as he saw TK lift something to his lips. If his eyes didn't deceive him… That was a small bottle of vodka in his thirteen year old brother's hand.  
_What the hell…?_  
"TK," he called. TK turned.  
"Matt," he called back, standing- and promptly falling into the wall next to him. The glass bottle clinked dangerously on the smooth brickwork.  
Matt ran the last few steps between them and down to where TK was, wrapping his jacket around his shoulders and steadying him.  
He pried the vodka from his brother, noting it was nearly empty. He helped TK up the steps, throwing the bottle into a trash can at the top of the stairs.  
_No wonder he can barely stand up._  
"Are you even capable of walking home?" He snapped as TK took two steps by himself and fell to his knees, laughing.  
TK responded by laughing louder and harder.  
"Do I have to _drag_ you home, TK?"  
He doubted TK could hear him through his maniacal laughter. Patience wearing thin, Matt grabbed his shoulders and pulled him roughly from the floor.  
"It's 3am and freezing," he snapped again. "And you're trashed in the middle of the city and can barely stand up. I hope you have an explanation for this."  
TK was on his knees again already, and in an attempt to dignify himself, stood up.  
"I can _walk_," he said- or rather, slurred. Matt didn't say a word, simply nodding at him and setting off home. TK followed- slowly.  
_At least he's not crawling. Better yet, at least I don't have to carry him._Matt awoke the next morning to the sound of his Dad humming tunelessly. Groaning and attempting to sit up, he remembered why he was tired and aching all over. He'd given TK his bed and slept on the sofa for the night.  
"Morning," he called out to his Dad.  
"Morning, Matt," came the response. "Sleep well?"  
"Hardly."  
"I figured. Want a coffee?"  
Matt sat up wearily. He wasn't a big fan of hot drinks, but coffee had never seemed so appealing.  
"Sure."  
He glanced around the room in search of TK and not seeing him.  
"TK still asleep?"  
"No. He's throwing up, has been all morning."  
"Oh."  
"I don't suppose you might have an explanation as to why my teenage son is hung-over? He says he isn't, but you'd be a fool to not smell the vodka on him."  
"No idea. Mum called in the middle of the night saying he hadn't come home, and when I called him, he answered. I guess he'd been ignoring her calls. I went and got him, he was down at the tube station with a bottle of vodka."  
"He didn't say anything?"  
"Only that he didn't want to go home to Mum and 'her boyfriend'. So I bought him back here, I had no choice."  
He got off the sofa, walking over to the dining table where his Dad had just placed his coffee. He sat down as TK entered the room, looking pale. He walked slowly across the room and sat at the table opposite Matt.  
"Toast and coffee, TK. Two best cures for a hangover."  
"I _said_-"  
"And Matt tells me differently, son."  
TK looked at Matt, who looked sheepish and shrugged.  
"You're not angry…?"  
"TK, I spent a lot of time drinking in my teenage years. I'm not going to yell at you for it."  
TK looked relieved.  
"I am going to yell at you for being so careless, though."  
"Oh."  
"But, later. I'm not recommending you do this again, but if you _must_, a tube station in a busy city on a Friday night _wouldn't_ be my first choice."  
"TK," Matt interjected. He'd been studying his brother's pale face, having noticed something he hadn't seen previously. "Is that a black eye?"  
TK's eyes widened and his bought a hand to his left eye to touch it gently. He winced noticeably.  
"You got into a fight?" His Dad queried.  
TK didn't answer.  
"See, this is what I'm saying. Odiaba isn't the safest place at night, son. Now, drink some coffee."  
He put a mug down in front of the young boy, who took one look at it and bolted from the room.  
Matt sighed.  
"I'm worried about him, Dad."  
His Dad sat down at the table, sighing heavily.  
"I know. But he's like you- he won't tell you anything he doesn't want to."  
Matt looked scandalized, but grinned a moment later.  
"Speaking of things you don't want to talk about, are you going to the meeting centre again tonight?"  
"Oh! I'd forgotten about that."  
"Well?"  
"It depends on how TK's feeling."  
"That's such a cop out answer," his Dad grinned. "I have to go into work for a few hours. Keep an eye on TK, son, and I'll see you boys later."  
"Bye Dad," Matt called as the door slammed shut. He sighed, picked up his coffee and went back to the sofa. Putting the coffee safely on the little glass table in front of him, he flopped back into the chair, exhausted.  
He stayed like that for a few moments before sitting upright and reaching for his coffee. He stopped a moment, his eyes falling on one of the only other items on the coffee table.  
His Dad had forgotten his cigarettes.  
He hesitated, hating himself for it. Picking the packet up, he flicked it open slowly.  
_…What the hell are you doing?_  
He didn't have an answer for his sensible inner conscious, so he ignored it. Unsure, he began to pull one out of the packet.  
_You never smoked normal cigarettes. What the _hell_ are you _doing  
_…But it's calming and you're stressed, and you know how good it will feel…_  
He heard TK coughing in the distance, and snapped out of his trance-like state. TK needed him; he couldn't fall off the bandwagon now.  
Pushing the cigarette into the packet again, he threw it back on the table and sighed, picking up the lukewarm coffee.  
_Get a grip, idiot. How can you lecture TK about drinking after all you've done?_  
_Well, someone has to- I don't want to see him like that ever again._  
TK re-entered the room, sighing heavily. Matt got off the sofa and let him collapse onto it. Sitting on the floor, he eyed TK wearily.  
"Don't do that again, alright?" He said simply.  
"I never want to drink again, don't worry," came the tired response.  
"I don't really care if you want to drink at parties or at home, or whatever. Just not like _that_. That wasn't safe, or clever."  
"I know, Matt."  
Matt sighed, leaning back against the coffee table.  
"So… Are you going to tell me why?"  
"Are you going to tell me why you 'made an idiot of yourself' at last week's meeting?"  
Matt paused, then shrugged.  
"Thought not."  
"I will if you'll talk to me, TK."  
TK shook his head, then buried it in a pillow.  
"Well, you know where I am," Matt said, standing up. "Get some more rest, I'm going back to bed for a bit myself. I'm exhausted thanks to you!"  
"Sorry…"  
"Don't worry about it. Feel better soon, TK."  
TK responded, but it was muffled by a pillow. Satisfied it sounded like 'okay', Matt picked up his coffee mug, deposited it in the sink, and went back to bed.Matt awoke to his mobile phone ringing some point later that morning. When he'd focused enough to read the display, he groaned as he read his mother's landline.  
_I don't want to have to explain this to you..._  
Knowing he couldn't leave his mother worrying, he sleepily sat up and answered it.  
"Hi Mum."  
"Matt…"  
"TK's here, he's fine."  
"Oh… Oh! I'm glad to hear it. Is he alright?"  
"He could be better," Matt replied, making it clear he wasn't going to elaborate.  
"He fought with me a few nights ago, Matt," she said softly after a moment, confirming his suspicions. "He's been funny with me ever since."  
"I thought something had happened between you guys. It's not my place to pry about it, though. He's alright, he's here, that's the important thing. I'm not sure if he'll want to come home just yet though."  
"As long as he's safe, it's fine. Just… Tell him to call me when he wants to talk this through."  
"I will."  
"Alright. Bye, Matt."  
"Bye."  
Matt sighed and lay back down, throwing his phone back carelessly.  
_I wonder what they fought about…_  
. . . . . . . . . .  
"Matt?"  
Matt awoke to the sound of his father's voice in the doorway.  
"Huh?"  
"It's half three, son. Wake up."  
Matt sat up sleepily, glancing at the clock to his side- it only confirmed what his father had said. Rubbing his eyes, he yawned and got out of bed.  
"Did TK go home?"  
"Is he not here?"  
"Should he be?"  
Matt frowned.  
"I left him asleep on the sofa."  
"Hmm."  
Picking up his phone, Matt quick-dialed TK's number. It rang a few times, then connected.  
"TK?"  
"Oh, hey Matt"  
"Hey- you left?"  
"I didn't want to wake you. I just went to get something for school from town."  
"You're feeling better then?"  
"Oh, yeah. Painkillers and some sleep did the job."  
"Good to hear. Stay off the drink from now on, right?"  
"I know, I know…"  
"Are you coming back here or going to Mum's?"  
Silence for a moment. "Going to Mum's."  
"You've spoken to her?"  
"...No, not yet. I wasn't going to, either, she doesn't seem to notice my existence when _he's_ around anyway."  
"You can come back if you want, TK."  
"I don't want to impose, Matt. It'll be fine."  
"If you say so," Matt sighed. "Call me if you need to talk, alright?"  
"Mm. Are you going-"  
"Will you guys quit asking, I don't know," Matt said quickly, not wanting to discuss the meeting that night.  
"Fine, fine. Talk to you later, then."  
TK disconnected the call, leaving Matt staring at his mobile wearily. Putting it down, he raided his closet for clothes and decided a hot shower was in order for.  
Walking out into the living room, he called to his father before realizing he was on the landline phone. He was talking quietly and was attempting to open his briefcase with one hand. Matt laughed to himself, and went to shower. He could talk about TK after."If you're going to that meeting, you need to leave around now, right?"  
Matt growled in his father's direction, who shrugged and lit a cigarette. He'd been short tempered ever since TK had arrived back at their mother's, and called him to inform him she had indeed completely ignored him in favor of her visiting boyfriend. He was worried, and the worry had manifested itself in the form of snapping at everybody else who spoke to him that day.  
"I'm just reminding you son."  
"They're going to laugh at me, I know it, after last week," Matt reasoned.  
"Did the meeting help you at all?" His Dad inquired.  
"It made me look like an idiot?"  
His Dad sighed and stood up from the sofa, walking over to the table where his eldest son was sitting and sat down. Leaning across the table, he gave Matt a patronizing look.  
"I mean did anything you found out, or talked about, make any effect on you in a positive way?"  
Matt thought about that for a moment, his eyes focusing on the cigarette his father was holding practically under his nose.  
"Would you not smoke that around me?" He snapped.  
His Dad pulled his arm back a moment, before changing his mind and holding it out again.  
"You want it?"  
Matt hesitated.  
"Aren't you supposed to support me!"  
"Answer the question."  
The cigarette was still there, taunting him. He reached out for it.  
_Well, if Dad says it's alright…_  
He father whipped his hand away and shook his head.  
"The fact you were even tempted by that means you're going tonight. Get your coat, I'll drive you."  
Matt gaped as his Dad stood up and attempted to find his car keys.  
"You haven't been craving any other things, have you?"  
"No," Matt said, sulking at how easily he'd been tricked.  
"Don't make me worry about you, son."  
"I'll be fine. Worry about TK if you're going to worry about one of us."  
"I do already. God knows what's going on over there, but if she makes him do that again, there'll be hell to pay."  
They made their way to the car silently, icy winter chill biting through them. Once they were in the semi-warmth of the car, Matt spoke.  
"I want to know how TK got that black eye."  
"He indicated he got into a fight in town. Drinks do that to people."  
"Yeah, I guess."  
"Will you be alright making your own way back? I'm going out with some friends from work tonight."  
Matt raised an eyebrow.  
"_Drinking_ with friends by chance?"  
"Yes, Matt. I'm not thirteen years old, and I have an ex-wife to get over."  
Matt didn't reply.  
. . . . . . . . . .  
Pulling into the car park of the community centre, Matt braced himself for the cold outside as he reached for the door handle.  
"Thanks, Dad."  
"No problem son. Have fun."  
"Heh."  
He got out and slammed the door shut, sighing as he looked up at the building in front of him. Wrapping his coat tighter around himself, he jogged towards the entrance.  
As he drew closer, he noted the lights were off. Confused, he jogged to the door and was confronted with a hastily written sign.  
_'Meeting cancelled, I have an emergency to attend to. Same time next week, guys. –Zai.'_  
Matt frowned, concerned for the emergency in question.  
_I didn't have to worry about this after all…_  
Realizing he could probably get a lift home if he ran back to the car fast, he turned and sprinted back to the car park.  
Turning the corner, he almost ran headfirst into Tetsuda. She side stepped, crying out in alarm. Matt stopped short, almost falling as he did.  
"S-sorry," he stuttered.  
"It's okay, it's okay. Why the rush?"  
"The meeting's cancelled, apparently Zai has an emergency to attend. I was hoping my Dad would still be here to give me a lift."  
He scanned the car park, but his father's blue people carrier was no-where to be seen. He sighed, pulling his coat around him again.  
"But, I guess not."  
"That's too bad. Can you get home again?"  
"I can walk, but it's a way. I'll probably stop at my brother's- he lives closer than I do to here."  
He neglected to mention he'd rather be at TK's- or anywhere else, in fact- than be at home when his father arrived back that night.  
"Hmm. Good to see you back today, by the way. You made quite a scene last week."  
Matt reddened and stared at the floor.  
"It's quite normal to be nervous the first time."  
"Mm."  
"And besides, everyone here is here for a better reason than me at least!"  
Matt didn't reply, sighing again.  
Tetsuda frowned at him.  
"You don't have to ever talk about it, you know. You can just come each week and listen in, some people find that more helpful."  
Matt didn't reply, lost in thought.  
"Could you do me a favor?" She asked him after a moment.  
"Hmm?" Matt asked, the question catching his attention.  
"Stop devaluing yourself."  
Matt laughed a little, but didn't respond.  
"Well, I'm going home, it's just across the street. My boyfriend will be home soon, it'll be a surprise for him that's I'm home."  
"I should get walking, too," Matt said, breaking his train of thought and being whipped by the cold for it. "It's freezing out here."  
Tetsuda nodded, turning and making her way across the car park. "Well, see you next week," she called.  
"Bye."  
She was out of sight in a few moments, but Matt stayed, staring up at the building again.  
_I can't stop worrying about TK. I can't even stop thinking about him. Something isn't adding up._  
_I'll just stop by for an hour, then go home and go to bed, leave Dad dinner in the microwave or something._  
_I don't know why he went home this afternoon. It's too sudden. I need some answers TK. Please want to give them to me…_A little less than twenty minutes later, Matt was glad to be entering to warmth of TK's apartment building. The lift was apparently out of order, so he sighed and headed for the stairwell. Opening the door, he felt the bitter backlash of wind on him.  
TK lived four floors up. He sighed again, and started making his way up the cold concrete steps. He touched the banister as he went, but retracted his hand immediately at the cold.  
Not soon enough, he was pushing the door onto the landing on TK's floor. A blast of warm air hit him, and he gratefully entered quickly and let the door shut naturally behind him.  
Pushing his cold hands into his pockets, he set off up the hallway, knowing exactly where TK's door was by instinct. As he approached it, however, he stopped- he could hear strangely familiar sounding voices.  
Jogging closer to TK's door, he stopped again, worried.  
TK's voice. And his mother's.  
_"I'm telling you, Mum. Please believe me…"_  
_"TK, I don't know what's got into you. Really."_  
_"He hates me!"_  
_"He doesn't hate you, honestly. You just need to get used to the idea, your father and I won't be single forever-"_  
_"No! I know that!"_  
_"We had this conversation yesterday, and I'll tell you what I told you then. Stay out of his way until you're used to having him around."_  
Silence for a moment. Matt waited with baited breath, too afraid to knock and interrupt the conversation. He had a clearer idea of what had been concerning his little brother, at least.  
_"I hate you!"_  
Footsteps, and Matt knew what was coming, and immediately backed off from the front door. It burst open, and TK stopped his warpath to stare at his brother.  
"Matt!"  
"TK."  
TK stood in the doorway for a moment, looking shocked and upset. Matt looked past him and waved at his mother, who looked much the same.  
That snapped TK out of his thoughts, and he stepped out, slamming the door shut loudly.  
"Bitch," he spat at the closed door.  
He turned to look at Matt, who raised an eyebrow at him, but didn't comment.  
"Did you… Did you hear?"  
Matt nodded. "Some of it."  
"Oh."  
"You could have just told me you and her boyfriend didn't get along, you know, it's not a big deal. I imagine I'll hate him when I meet him, too."  
"No, don't lecture me, you sound like Mum. I don't dislike him because I think she's replacing Dad or anything."  
"Then why _do_ you hate him?"  
TK faltered. "He's just not a very nice person," he supplied, staring at the floor.  
"You barely know him, right? In fact, from what she told Dad, _she_ hasn't known him very long too."  
"I've met him every time he's been over this week, I've lost count already."  
"You can't make such harsh judgments on a person you know so little about, TK."  
"I _can_," he protested spitefully, and refused to elaborate.  
Silence for a moment, the conversation closed. Matt chose not to push it.  
"So… I assume you don't want to go back inside?"  
TK shook his head.  
"What are you doing up this way anyway, Matt?"  
"I got a lift from Dad for the meeting, but it was cancelled. I thought I'd stop by given you live close." He looked sheepish. "I was _going_ ask Mum for a lift home, but I guess I can walk."  
"Sorry, Matt…"  
"Don't be," Matt said immediately. "Not your fault. You can come back with me if you like, Dad's out tonight."  
TK brightened a little.  
"You also didn't have to come home so fast. You should have straightened things out with Mum, first."  
"I didn't want to impose my problems on you…"  
"Hush. Now, if you're going to walk with me, you'll need a coat. I'll get it if you'd rather not face Mum right now."  
He took the silence as a positive, and rapped sharply on the door. A moment or so later, his mother answered. She looked surprised, clearly expecting TK- who was staring off down the hallway in a clear effort to not look her in the eye.  
"TK's coming back with me. Dad's out and I want some company," Matt said simply. "Can I get his coat?"  
"I can give you a lift-"  
TK laughed sharply.  
"I don't think that's such a good idea right now," Matt concluded.  
Nancy sighed.  
"I'll get it."  
She pushed the door shut slightly and re-entered the apartment, leaving Matt to turn to TK. He didn't get to say what he wanted to say, however, because they both turned down the hall at the sign of footsteps.  
TK bristled immediately.  
"TK," the man called as a greeting.  
"Ikusa," TK muttered, as his mother reappeared at the door.  
"Oh, Iku!" She said, her mood immediately changing. "This is my eldest son, Matt."  
She indicated to Matt, who smiled and waved slightly.  
Ikusa held his hand out, which Matt took.  
"Nice to meet you," he said, shaking Matt's hand before turning to Nancy and kissing her cheek.  
"Here you go," she said to TK, handing his coat to him. He snatched it, not saying a word.  
"Let's go," Matt said quietly. He turned to Nancy, who was already preoccupied with Ikusa.  
"Bye," he said to them, not waiting for an answer before turning and pulling TK down the corridor with him.  
. . . . . . . . . .  
The walk home was shorter than usual- they both had walked briskly in the sub-zero weather. TK had been unusually silent on the way, to the point Matt stopped attempting conversation with him.  
Once they were inside and under a bright light, Matt winced as he saw how bruised TK's eye was becoming.  
"You should put some ice on that," he said.  
TK looked puzzled for a moment as he hung his coat up, then realized.  
"Oh. It's fine, don't worry about it."  
"Are you going to tell me-"  
"No," TK cut him off sharply.  
"You don't want to talk about yesterday at _all_?"  
"No."  
Matt sighed, slightly frustrated. "Alright. Make yourself comfortable, I'll fix dinner."  
TK didn't object, throwing himself on the sofa and curling up with a cushion.  
"I get more worried about you every time I see you," Matt commented, opening the freezer, but slamming it shut again as icy air crept out at him. A further search of the cupboards and fridge later mostly came up empty, so he relented and picked up the phone.  
"I'm ordering takeout," he said. "Any preferences?"  
"No."  
One phone-call later, Matt made his way to the sofa, sitting on the floor next to TK.  
"Are you going to sulk all evening?"  
"I'm _not_ sulking."  
"He seemed like a nice enough guy on _my_ first impression, TK. Did he do something that would prove otherwise? Say anything?"  
"I _told_ you, shut up about it."  
Matt growled in frustration. "TK, you're being unreasonable."  
"And _you're_ prying into something that isn't _anything_ to do with you."  
"Fine, forgive me for trying to help you," Matt snapped, finally losing his patience. He stood up and stalked over to the kitchen, for no particular reason- just to get away from TK before he was tempted to black his other eye.  
There was an uncomfortable silence for a while. Neither of them said anything for a long time, until they were interrupted by the doorbell.  
"That came fast," Matt said to himself, but was surprised to hear something resembling an agreement from TK.  
He took the food and paid the delivery guy, making sure to tip him well as a small thanks for daring to venture out in the cold. Thankful for a distraction from the silence of before, Matt busied himself with getting plates and cutlery.  
When he was set, he balanced everything with the ease of an experienced waiter, and set it down on the coffee table.  
TK was lying down, hugging the pillow. Matt poked him gently.  
"TK, food's here."  
"Mm," TK uttered, though it was muffled. He sat up, not meeting Matt's eye.  
Matt studied him for a moment, noting tear tracks on his cheeks.  
"Why were you crying?"  
TK shrugged.  
"You're getting almost as good as me at this keeping things in stuff," Matt said, smiling weakly. "It's not good for you, don't copy my _bad_ habits."  
TK laughed a little, picking up a plate and opening the bag of Japanese food. Helping himself to a packet of rice, he looked up at Matt, who was still studying him intently.  
"What?" He snapped. He winced, then shook his head. "Sorry. I'm a bit stressed."  
"You and me both," Matt muttered. He wasn't that hungry, but he'd paid for the food, so he figured he might as well have a little of it.  
"You're not stressed about me, I hope."  
Well, you _are_ giving me a million reasons to worry about you."  
He pulled two packets out of the bag and took them to the microwave, putting them inside. As he was scrawling a note to stick to the front of the door for his dad, the phone rang.  
"If that's Mum tell her to go to hell," TK said.  
"I'll tell her you don't want to speak to her," Matt corrected, picking up the phone. "Hello? Oh, Tai, hey. Yes, I _did_ go, it was cancelled. Why is everybody checking up on me these days? Can I call you back tomorrow, I just got food and I have some things to deal with. Alright, bye."  
He hung up, sitting back on the sofa next to TK- who wasn't really eating. He was spinning the rice around on the plate, occasionally eating a small mouthful every now and then. Matt got a plate of his own food, sat back and sighed heavily.  
"I made an idiot of myself by trying to run from the meeting, and pushing on the door labeled 'pull'," he said. "There, I told you why I was an idiot. I tried to run because everybody else had _far_ more reason than me to use drugs as an escape method, and I felt pathetic. Of course, I felt worse after the whole door thing. But, there you go."  
TK smiled smally. "I probably would have done the same."  
"Does this mean you'll talk to me now?"  
TK put his plate down on the coffee table, staring at the worn oak wood with slowing filling eyes.  
"No…" he whispered.  
Matt put down his plate too, leaning back in the sofa and staring at the ceiling.  
"I'm not hungry, I'm sorry…"  
"Don't eat, then. It's okay."  
"I think I need to sleep, Matt."  
Matt stood up, picking up both plates and heading to the kitchen. He didn't really fancy eating, either.  
"Go ahead. I'll put what's left in the bag in the microwave."  
He didn't get a verbal reply, but he glanced over and saw TK nod a yes before lying down. Catching his eye, Matt waved a goodnight to him, picked up the cordless phone and went to his bedroom.  
Closing the door quietly, the collapsed onto the bed and stared at the ceiling, completely lost for an explanation to his sibling's strange behaviour. He stared at the phone in his hand, turning it over and over, wondering whether calling his mother for some answers would be wise.  
He decided against it, and chose to stare at the ceiling further, following the small cracks on it across the room, down the walls, and then back up again. He didn't think he was very tired, but he found himself drifting off slowly, and let it happen. It was either sleep a little, or worry about TK.  
He thankfully let the sleep take him over _that_.Matt awoke with a start to a loud crash out in the living room. Sitting bolt upright, he scrambled towards the door and flung it open.  
The light was on, and his Dad was swearing vividly, having walked into the table in what Matt assumed was an attempt to find the light-switch.  
"Welcome home," Matt greeted, leaning on the doorframe.  
TK had awoken also, and was looking over the side of the sofa for the source of the commotion.  
"TK?" Their Dad said, the slur of alcohol prominent in his voice.  
"Hi Dad. I came to keep Matt company."  
"That's nice son."  
"Go back to sleep, TK," Matt instructed, too tired to attempt to form a conversation with his quite obviously intoxicated father. He simply went back into his bedroom and closed the door.  
No sooner had the door closed, it was opened again by his father.  
"Why is TK _really_ here?"  
It was a serious question, marred by the slur with which it was said.  
"I'm not going to speak to you now, go to bed," Matt snapped.  
"I haven't had so much to drink I can't comprehend a potential problem, Matt."  
His father's voice was sharp, the slur lessened, and Matt immediately felt bad for losing his temper so fast with him.  
"Sorry. My meeting was cancelled, I walked up to see TK. He had another fight with Mum, so he came back with me. I ordered food, it's in the microwave for you."  
"He didn't say what about?"  
"I overheard a little, it seems he has a problem with Mum's new boyfriend."  
"Of course he does."  
"No, beyond just what you'd expect."  
"Don't worry about it right now. Go to sleep. I'll speak to Nancy in the morning and get some answers for all this."  
His father shut the door again, leaving Matt to sigh and stare back up at the ceiling again. It was too dark to find solace in the cracks as he had done before, no matter how hard he tried to make them out.  
It took him much longer to fall into a troubled sleep this time.His father's promised phone-call in the morning yielded no answers. Nancy insisted TK was simply being difficult and causing problems between Ikusa and herself.  
_He and Ikusa probably just had a fight, it's natural they won't get along._  
TK spent the weekend at his house, definitely cheered up at the thought of not having to go home. He had originally protested about taking up space, but soon stopped objecting when their hungover father gave them money and told them to 'go out and do something'. It was the most time the two had spent together since their parents divorce, and Matt was sorry to see Monday morning come, where TK had to go to school. Matt promised to meet him at the school gate that night to go out for dinner before he made his way back to their mother's, which TK accepted.  
True to his word, shortly before 3pm that afternoon, Matt was standing a little way from the school entrance, leaning against the thin wire fence. The wind was particularly icy that day, and he pushed his hands as far into his coat pockets as he could.  
School-kids were starting to come out of the gates, in ones and twos- those lucky enough to have left class a little early, it seemed. The ones and twos became small groups, and one large group a few minutes after he heard the telltale sign of bells ringing from the building.  
He moved a bit closer to the entrance, keeping an eye out for TK. The large group of children slowly subsided, and Matt frowned a little.  
"Hey!"  
He turned at the sound of a familiar voice that _wasn't_ TK's.  
"Oh, hey Tai," he called at the approaching figure.  
Tai didn't look too happy, Matt realized as he drew nearer. He didn't stop as he reached Matt- instead he grabbed him, lifting him clean off the floor and slamming him into the wire fence behind them in one swift movement.  
"What are you doing!"  
"Sort your brother out," Tai ranted as he held Matt off his feet against the fence with ease. "I don't know what's wrong with him, I didn't know anything _was_ wrong with him, but _sort _him _out_."  
He dropped Matt, turning from him and crossing his arms. He was shaking, radiating anger.  
"Tai, what happened?"  
"Your brother screamed at Kari when she asked him why he had a black eye, and then hit her."  
Matt stared at Tai, unsure he'd heard him correctly.  
"She's crying her eyes out and won't tell my parents why, she doesn't want them to think badly of him. I made her tell me, though- I said I'd come and speak to you, and have you straighten him out."  
Matt didn't reply, too shocked to comprehend a response.  
"Tai, I'm so sorry..." he stuttered when he found his voice.  
Tai waved an irritated hand at him, shaking his head.  
"What's _wrong_ with him?"  
"I wish I knew..."  
"He flipped out at her, told her to leave him alone. She reached to him, he pushed her away, she tried again and he slapped her, then ran away. He's not been in class all afternoon, apparently."  
Matt was immediately concerned TK had left the school, but was alerted to someone walking slowly towards the school gate, eyes to the floor.  
Tai leant against the fence, arms crossed, but the anger he'd initially arrived with was slowly dissipating. Matt stepped towards TK, knowing he had to be firm with him this time.  
"TK, I know something's bugging you. I know you won't tell anyone about it for whatever reason, either. But you _have_ to. You _cannot_ treat people like that. You're _never_ to do that again, hear me? You owe Kari an apology, and then some."  
TK stared at him a moment before bursting into tears.  
Matt turned away, closing his eyes.  
"I _want_ to feel sorry, but I _can't_ right now," he said, shaking his head.  
"I'm so so sorry," TK sobbed. "I-I don't know why I did it..."  
He stopped, sinking to the floor and covering his face with his hands.  
Tai stepped forward, kneeling in front of the sobbing figure. He put a hand on his shoulder, and shook him gently.  
"Go tell that to Kari," he said softly. "And then maybe we can work on what's getting you down, alright?"  
TK nodded, standing up and attempting to compose himself. He started towards Matt, who had paced a few steps up the road. As he approached, Matt waved him off, and didn't turn to face him.  
"No," he said simply. "Go to Kari, then we'll talk some more about this."  
TK nodded, and ran off the direction Tai pointed him.  
Tai turned his attention to Matt, who was facing away from him, arms wrapped around himself, eyes on the floor.  
"I've barely seen you these past few weeks," he admonished, walking up to Matt- who was visibly shaking. Tai chose not to comment on it. "How have you been holding up?"  
Matt laughed bitterly.  
"Me? I'm the last person you should be worrying about."  
His voice cracked, and he cleared the tears that filled his eyes angrily with one hand.  
"Doesn't look that way right now."  
"If you really want to know, I've _never_ wanted to do it all over again so much," Matt admitted, turning and punching the wire fencing angrily. "And I _hate_ myself for it, when my whole family is falling apart. It _worked_, it _worked_ on making me feel good and forget all this stuff..."  
He stopped, choking on his words, and choosing not to finish his sentence.  
"What's been going on, Matt?"  
Matt shrugged, sighing heavily, still clearly struggling to keep his composure in check.  
"Not right now," he uttered, hearing approaching footsteps that he recognized as TK. He coughed, repositioned his coat around himself, and turned to meet him.  
"Well?"  
"She's alright about it. She _shouldn't_ be... But she is."  
"You're going to talk to someone about this, TK. I'm not giving you a choice now."  
TK didn't reply, staring at the floor and slowly shaking his head.  
"I won't do it again."  
"I'm not accepting no as an answer anymore, TK. I've tried to keep out of whatever's getting to you because I respect your privacy, but this is taking things too far. I'm _worried_ about you..."  
TK looked up at him, opening his mouth to say something, but closing it again when he clearly couldn't form the sentence. Instead, he turned and ran.  
Tai was after him within seconds, but he stopped at Matt's call to do so. He turned, confused.  
"Let him go," Matt reasoned. "I'm not going to force him, I know I would have hated that myself."  
"Matt, there were plenty of times you really should have been talking to people and you didn't," Tai said, sighing. "You really shouldn't encourage him to think it's alright to act like this."  
"He knows he can't, that's why he ran. He'll come back. He won't go to Mum, and I bet you he'll turn up this evening on my doorstep."  
Tai leant against the wire fence, clearly frustrated. "For someone who claims to be worried, you don't seem it."  
He was off the ground and pinned against the fencing within seconds, Matt mirroring what Tai had done to him minutes before.  
"You have _no idea_ how worried I am about him," Matt growled angrily. "But it's either pretend I don't, or fall apart about it."  
He released Tai, his anger already worn out, and sighed heavily.  
They stood in awkward silence for a bit, until Tai's mobile phone ringing got their attention. He read the display and answered accordingly.  
"Yeah alright Mum, just coming."  
He hung up again, and turned to address Matt briefly before walking away.  
"TK's not the only one who needs to do some talking."  
Matt watched him go, feeling unhinged from the situation. He watched Tai until he turned a corner and couldn't be seen anymore, and started walking towards town to catch a bus home.  
_No point in calling Dad for a lift, since he'll be hung over still..._


	4. And Once Again, He Learns To Walk, part2

About an hour later, Matt arrived back at his apartment. Whilst fishing in his bag for his keys, he heard a very distinctive crash from inside the apartment. Mildly panicked, he found his keys and flung the door open.  
The sight that met him shocked him so much he took a step backwards. The apartment was a mess, and standing in the middle of the living room was his father, with one of his mother's vases held high in the air. He looked over at Matt, and slowly lowered the vase, before dropping it on the ground. It thudded loudly, but didn't break.  
Matt closed the door behind him, not taking his eyes off his father.  
"Hi, Matt," his Dad said, slurred and clearly drunk.  
That was enough. Matt snapped.  
"_What the fuck are you doing!_"  
His Dad shrugged, and sunk to his knees, sobbing.  
Matt stared, wide eyed, his mouth closing to keep the harsh words he was about to say away. He took one more quick look around the wrecked apartment before walking over to his father and kneeling down in front of him.  
"I have no idea what to do with you," he admitted.  
His father didn't reply for a moment, his crying outburst seized in what Matt knew was more the parental desire to seem strong for his child, than actual clearing of grief.  
"I was fired today, Matt. They said my standard of work has gone downhill... That I'm not dressed smartly these days..."  
Matt continued to stare in disbelief at what was happening before him.  
"How do you explain your standard of work is lessened because the only women you've ever loved is shacked up with another guy, Matt? How do you explain your clothes are creased because you don't even own an iron, because she took it with her? And that even if you _did_, you wouldn't know how to _use_ it!"  
"Don't they know what's going on right now?"  
"No."  
"Well, then, tell them? They'd probably be more lenient if they knew what was happening here."  
His father stood up, and nearly fell over again thanks to the clearly excessive amount of alcohol in his system.  
"Go and sleep," Matt said, his voice bordering pleading. "I'll clean up. Just go and rest."  
His Dad looked as if he would argue, but he didn't. He nodded, and stumbled towards his bedroom without another word, closing the door behind him quietly.  
Matt slowly got to his feet, surveying the damage around him. It wasn't as bad as it initially seemed- his mother had been keeping some of her things in boxes in their living room, and it seemed his Dad had ripped through all of them, thrown the contents around the apartment, and smashed a few of the valuables.  
_Good thing she doesn't own any antiques..._  
Moving a half empty box off the sofa, he collapsed into it, instinctively grabbing a cushion and holding it closely. The tidying up would have to wait- he needed to recover from the past couple of hours first.  
He picked up the phone after a moment, putting down the pillow, and dialing his mother's number. It rang a few times, and kicked into the answer phone.  
_You've reached Nancy. I'm not home right now- leave a message and I'll get back to you._  
"Mom, its Matt. Call me."  
He hung up, sighing, and flicking through the saved numbers on the cordless phone. He flicked until he found 'work', and dialed.  
_Someone needs to take control of this, and it's not going to be Dad._  
"Hello, Fuji TV station."  
"Uh… hi. I'm not sure who I want to speak to, actually. I'm Matt Ishida, I need to talk to someone about my father. Apparently he was fired today?"  
"Ah." The line went silent for a moment. "I'll put you through to someone, hold."  
Thirty seconds or so later, and he heard a quiet voice on the line.  
"Matt Ishida? How can I help you?"  
Matt sighed. "You fired my Dad today, right?"  
There was an uncomfortable silence. "Yes, I did. His conduct of work has been pretty awful lately-"  
"I know," Matt interjected. "I know why you did it, Sir."  
A silence again. "So, how can I help you…?"  
"Do you know _why_ his work's been suffering?"  
"I asked him, but he didn't want to give an answer. He shrugged it off like there were no underlying problems anywhere."  
"My mum just got herself a new boyfriend, and he's never really got over their split. His conduct of work has been going down because he's been drinking to deal with it."  
The third silence. "He never said anything..."  
"I know. I came home today to a trashed apartment. He's falling apart and I don't know how to help him…"  
Matt stopped abruptly, hearing his voice cracking and betraying his emotions to the stranger on the other end of the phone. He took a deep breath, pulled his composure together, and continued.  
"Would you reconsider your decision, Sir? Maybe give him a few days off to get his head straight? I know it's asking a lot, but I don't know what else to do…"  
"I haven't filed the official papers regarding his dismissal yet. It would be going against various kinds of protocols to not-file them, and pretend it didn't happen."  
Matt didn't reply.  
"But… I understand why you ask. And I'd be willing to throw those particular protocols away, just this once, and give him a second chance- he really is one of my best employees. But only if your father calls me tomorrow and discusses what you've told me today, and makes it clear when he comes back after a week of leave, that his work will no longer suffer because of his personal life."  
"Thank you. That means a lot, and I know it will to him too. He'll call you tomorrow, Sir."  
"Alright. You take care now, and your father too. My condolences to you both. Goodbye, Matt."  
The line went dead. Matt slowly put the cordless back into its cradle to recharge, and leant back in the chair. He closed his eyes, taking the moment to relax.  
_At least I've solved one of the more immediate problems…_  
He tried not to let his mind wander back to TK, but he couldn't help it. He pushed it away, feeling his sanity slipping away with every moment he worried about him. Feeling the want for his old habits, wanting the drug-induced clouds to cover his mind and make him forget everything…  
_Need to stay in control, Matt. Pull yourself together._  
He stood, intending to distract himself with setting the apartment straight. He noticed a half empty bottle of whiskey on the coffee table and sighed, picking it up. Finding the lid on the floor, he sealed the bottle and looked around for a suitable place to stash it until his father had his drinking habits more under control. Seeing no-where suitable, he entered his own bedroom, and hid it in his wardrobe.  
It took him a while to set things straight. As he was putting the finishing touches to the cleaning together, he heard a knock at the front door.  
_And there's TK, I imagine._  
It wasn't TK, it was Tai, who walked straight in, pulled the door out of Matt's hand, closing it and sighing. He was clearly not impressed at Matt's display with TK earlier, still.  
"Good evening to you too," Matt said.  
Tai eyed the apartment slowly. "You've been cleaning?"  
"Dad trashed the place, I had no choice. He's asleep, so try to be quiet."  
"He what?"  
Matt sighed and sunk into a chair at the kitchen table. Tai sat opposite him.  
"He was fired today. I called his work and explained everything that's been going on, and they agreed to give him another chance. He doesn't know yet, he's been asleep whilst I tidied up."  
"And what _has_ been going on, Matt? All I've seen of you these past few weeks has been enough to worry me, and when I _do_ get you alone, you won't talk."  
"So you're here to rectify that?"  
Matt was surprised how cold his voice sounded. He was slowly becoming more unhinged from the situation around him, he could feel it, but he couldn't stop it.  
Tai shrugged. "If you'll let me."  
Matt laughed shortly.  
"You can take your temper out on me, go ahead. Just tell me why."  
No response. Matt stared at the worn oak table, tracing slight cracks in it with his finger. Tai sighed softly.  
"You're not going to crack, are you?" He asked quietly.  
Matt shrugged.  
_Oh, I want to alright._  
"I won't let you," Tai said sternly, as though he had heard Matt's thoughts. "You don't want to go back there again, right? The hospital, the dialysis, the seclusion ward?"  
"Of course not," Matt snapped.  
"Then rather than sitting here sulking, why don't you face up to whatever's getting to you, and deal with it?"  
Whatever Matt was going to say- which wouldn't have been pretty- it was lost on the tip of his tongue as he heard the door to his father's bedroom open. He looked pretty rough as he ran a hand through his hair, and walked slowly to the table. Sitting down, he looked up at Tai, nodding a hello to him. He then turned to Matt.  
"I'm sorry you had to see that earlier, Son."  
Matt shrugged. "It's okay. I called your work and explained things. If you call your boss tomorrow, he's willing to take you back."  
His Dad looked at him, gratitude clear in his eyes.  
"I will. Thank you, Matt."  
"Why didn't you just tell him what was going on?"  
His Dad shrugged, and chose not to reply. He stood, shakily, and grabbed his jacket from the sofa. Grabbing his cigarettes, he lit one and made his way back to the table with an ashtray.  
"Don't even think about berating me right now," he snapped at Matt, who looked set to protest. He glanced at Tai, and sighed. "Sorry. You've caught me at a bad time."  
"It's alright," Tai said with a shrug. He'd seen Matt's Dad's temper flare a few times, and was mostly used to it.  
"Tomorrow I'm going to buy an iron," Matt said. "And I'm going to show you how to use it."  
His Dad nodded.  
"When's your next meeting thing?"  
"Couple of days."  
"Are you going?"  
Matt shrugged. His Dad held the cigarette out to him again, as he had done before. Matt waved the smoke it emitted away, folding his arms across his chest angrily.  
"Don't mess with me," he snapped.  
"Still edgy?" His Dad laughed shortly. "Then the answer's a yes."  
There was an awkward silence for a moment, until his Dad spoke again.  
"I didn't think you smoked normal cigarettes- that was just a front, right? So why are you craving them?"  
Matt shrugged. "I don't know. I think I just want anything to help me forget right now."  
He stopped talking immediately; realizing Tai was looking at him intently. He didn't want to burden him, or his father, with his problems when they had other things to worry about.  
"Forget what?"  
His father wasn't going to let it go it seemed.  
Matt shrugged again.  
"Nothing really," he answered, his voice breaking. He stared at the table, willing the sudden tears that had sprung to his eyes away.  
Tai shook his head.  
"That's the second time," he said, his voice slightly angry. "_Second_ time someone has asked you what's wrong, and you've answered 'nothing' whilst clearly trying not to cry. _Enough_. Out with it."  
Matt didn't reply, still trying to keep him emotions checked.  
"_Now_. You're going to tell me how long you've been craving, and then we're going to call the hospital," he said, his voice leaving no room for Matt to reason with him. "This isn't something you should be ignoring."  
""But-"  
"I don't want to hear 'but'."  
Matt shook his head slowly.  
"Right _now_."  
No reply.  
"What are you going to do then, huh? Put yourself back in hospital? Go and get yourself killed!"  
"What's got _into_ you," Matt muttered.  
"I don't want to hear 'I've been craving' from you," Tai said. "I don't ever want to see you like that again. That week you were hooked up to that machine, that was _hell_, Matt. For me, for your family, for all your friends. Forgive me for being a little angry that you'd consider putting yourself there again."  
"It wasn't a conscious decision you know!" Matt snapped, standing up and balling his fists in anger. "It's not like I woke up that day and decided, hey, let's _fuck my kidneys up _and _worry my friends and family_! I was _aware_ of everything in that week, Tai, and I _didn't like it that much either _you know."  
"Matt!"  
Matt stopped at the tone in his father's voice.  
"Sit down."  
Matt did as he was told.  
"Stop being an asshole. If you won't tell him what's wrong, fine, do whatever you damn well want. But don't take your inability to deal with your problems in an adult manner out on other people."  
"_You_ can talk," Matt snapped harshly.  
"What did I do to you, Matt? I wrecked _Nancy's_ belongings, drank alcohol in my _own_ _home_, and stopped the _moment_ I heard you walk in the door. I didn't _ask_ for you to tidy up, you _offered_. I didn't _ask_ for you to call my work, you took it upon yourself."  
Matt opened his mouth to reply, and couldn't.  
"And what have _you_ done, Matt? You turned to drugs because you were too weak to face up to your problems. And we nearly lost you because of it. And now, when things are looking down, here you are, wanting to walk that same road?"  
That was enough for Matt. He felt five years old again, being told off for touching things in the supermarket that he shouldn't. Every word his father spoke, as harsh as it was, was true.  
He stood, without looking either of them in the eye, and walked towards his bedroom.  
"You're running away again?" His father called. Matt stopped, but didn't turn around. "Fine. When you want to talk, there will be people to listen."  
Matt stood for another moment, before opening his bedroom door and closing it gently, and threw the bolt.  
Mr. Ishida sighed and lit another cigarette. "Thanks for trying, Tai."  
"What's been going on with TK, Mr. Ishida? I know something's wrong. He hit Kari today at school."  
"He _what_!"  
"It's okay," Tai said hurriedly. "We had a talk with him. He's definitely sorry, and he apologized to Kari."  
"That isn't the point."  
"I know something's going on with him. What is it?"  
Mr. Ishida shook his head slowly. "Nancy has a new boyfriend, and she seems to be favoring him to TK. TK has some kind of problem with him, but that's to be expected. It's really nothing major, and I have no idea why Matt is so worried about him."  
"Maybe Matt thinks it _is_ something major?"  
"Possibly. He should be thinking of his health right now, he's still vulnerable. I don't like to be harsh with him, but he won't listen any other way."  
They lapsed into silence, and wished they hadn't as they heard muffled, barely-controlled sobbing coming from Matt's room.  
Tai stood, and walked over to the door, knocking gently on it.  
"Open the door, Matt," he said gently.  
He expected resilience, but instead after a moment he heard the door unclick. He pushed it open as Matt walked over to his bed and lay down on it, face down in the pillow.  
"Crying isn't going to solve it," Tai said softly, kneeling down beside the bed and sighing softly.  
"I'm not," Matt said, his voice muffled by the pillow. Tai chose not to push it.  
"Your Dad filled me in on the details, Matt. The stuff that's going on with TK… You don't need to worry about, really. It's all normal stuff. Of course he isn't going to like your mum's new boyfriend-"  
"I said that," Matt interrupted, taking his head out the pillow. His eyes were red, but he was no longer crying. "And he swore blind I was wrong, and that he had good reasons for disliking him. Did Dad tell you last week I had to collect him from the tube station at 3am, when he was drunk?"  
Tai raised an eyebrow. "No, he didn't. That doesn't sound like TK."  
"And you saw what happened with Kari today. _Something_ isn't adding up."  
"But, really, Matt… If TK doesn't want to tell you what that is, then just let it rest maybe? You need to worry about yourself right now."  
"I'm fine."  
"You're _not_. Stop saying that. This goes back to when we were eleven doesn't it? And your complex that he doesn't need you, right?"  
"_No_."  
"Then let it go. TK can take care of himself, he doesn't need his big brother breathing down his neck all the time. Stop thinking of him, and think of _you_. How about _you? _How are _you_ feeling?"  
Matt stopped to think about this, and felt _those_ thoughts creeping up on him again. He shut his eyes and shook his head.  
"If you're craving, you _can't_ ignore it. Ignoring it ends up with you eventually snapping, and going back to it."  
"I'm not craving _it_," Matt admitted. "I'm craving anything that will help. Anything at all."  
"That's still not much better. You should still call your doctor."  
"I can handle it."  
"Really? Show me, then."  
"Huh?"  
"Show me you can handle it. Because right now, I'm not seeing it."  
Tai stood and left without another word, leaving Matt to think what he had said over.Later that evening, Matt awoke to the sound of his bedroom door opening. Startled, he sat up. Tai was standing in the doorway.  
"You've been asleep a couple of hours, your Dad suggested I come wake you up."  
Matt rubbed his eyes and flicked on his side lamp.  
"You're still here?" He queried, not meaning it to be as impolite as it sounded. Tai didn't take it as such.  
"Yeah, me and your Dad have been hanging out and watching TV."  
Matt got off the bed, glancing at the time. Nine pm.  
"No TK yet?"  
"No. Your Dad called your mum about half an hour ago, apparently he was home for a bit, but she went to the shops, and he was gone again when she got back."  
"Don't suppose her boyfriend was there when she got back too?"  
Tai shrugged. "He didn't ask."  
"TK didn't say where he was going?"  
"Seems not."  
Matt frowned and picked up his mobile from his bedside table. Tai walked across to him and pulled it out of his hand, setting it back again.  
"Let him fight his own battles," he scolded. "He'll call you if he needs you."  
Matt scowled at his friend, but complied, following him out the room.  
His father looked up from the sofa. He looked a lot better now, having showered and changed his clothing. He looked _happier_ at least.  
"I cooked dinner," he said proudly. "Yours is in the microwave."  
Matt raised an eyebrow. "Wow, I'm proud. I'm not hungry right now though, I'll get it in a bit."  
His Dad grinned widely and turned back to the TV. Matt walked to the kitchen, getting a glass from the cupboard and pouring himself some water. Tai sat at the table behind him.  
"How are you feeling?"  
Matt frowned, watching the glass fill with water as he held it under the tap.  
"Been better."  
There was a knock at the front door. Matt placed his water on the table with Tai, and went to open it.  
TK stood before him. Had it been any other time, Matt would have declared 'I told you so' to Tai, but instead, Matt stared at his little brother, trying to register what he was seeing.  
His already blackened eye was flamed and irritated, and below his eye he had a large cut. It wasn't bleeding, but it clearly had been, quite harshly.  
TK stared at Matt, his mouth opening and closing trying to form words, and his eyes rapidly tearing up.  
Matt grabbed him, pulled him in, and slammed the door. Guiding him to the table, he knelt next to him as TK sat down, clearly concerned.  
"TK?"  
Their Dad approached the table, concerned at the sudden appearance of his youngest son late at night. He noticed the cut, and his eyes narrowed.  
"You got into another fight?"  
"N-no," TK stammered, hiding his face in his hands, breathing heavily in an attempt to control the sobs that clearly wanted to escape. "Ikusa… Ikusa hit me…"  
He broke down, crying harshly into his hands. Matt stood and wrapped his arms around his brother protectively, looking up at Tai. His face was blank with shock.  
His father was already gathering his coat and keys, eyes narrowed in anger. Matt thought it might be best to stop him, but chose not to, silently wanting vigilante justice in this situation too.  
His father opened the front door, without a word, but closed it again and stalked back into the room. He picked up the phone, and dialed Nancy.  
"Nancy, I'm coming to see you. We need to talk. I want that bastard out of your apartment before I get there. If he's not gone, he'll be leaving by ambulance when I get there.  
"Don't argue with me, I'm leaving now. Get him _out_."  
He hung the phone up, stopping by the table on his way to the door.  
"Come on TK," he said softly. "You boys come too. I'll need you to restrain me if he's there."  
"I think we'll all need restraining," Tai muttered, standing.  
Matt released TK, whose crying fit had slowed.  
"You should have told me," he said, more harshly than he wanted.  
"You wouldn't have believed me."  
"Of course I would have!"  
"And you have your own problems to deal with… I didn't want to be the reason you did _that_ again…"  
Matt refrained from telling him 'you almost were', standing instead and collecting his shoes. TK followed silently.  
. . . . . . . . . .  
Arriving at Nancy's apartment, Matt was torn between hoping Ikusa was there, and hoping he wasn't. Tai had decided to stay in the car and wait- feeling it wasn't his place to be there.  
As his mother opened the door, it was clear Ikusa wasn't there. Matt breathed a sigh of relief.  
Nancy took one look at TK and gasped.  
"TK! What happened?"  
"Your asshole boyfriend happened," Mr. Ishida spat, pushing past her into the apartment. "Is he here?"  
"N-no, he left like you asked…"  
Matt and TK followed their father inside, both a little scared of the anger radiating from him.  
"­_No-one_ hurts my kids," Mr. Ishida snarled at Nancy. "_No-one_."  
"I-I didn't know, TK never said!"  
"I tried!" TK protested. "I tried to tell you I didn't like him, I tried to hint there was a reason why, but you always brushed over it!"  
Nancy fell silent.  
"I'll call him," she said. "And tell him he isn't welcome back here anymore. I don't understand… He seemed so _nice_…"  
"And apparently he didn't like the fact you had kids from a previous relationship," Mr. Ishida admonished sourly.  
"Anybody that wants to be with me has to accept my children," Nancy said sternly. "Don't belittle me, my kids mean the world to me."  
"I can see that, since you didn't listen to TK when he tried to warn you that guy is a-"  
"Oh for God's sake!" Matt yelled, losing his temper as he watched his parents argue. "Can you two not be in the same room for more than _two minutes_ without bitching at each other! Just for _once_, would you _stop_!"  
Both of his parents were shocked into silence immediately. Nancy took the moment to pick up her phone and call Ikusa. She walked into her bedroom with it, closing the door.  
"Well that's one kid sorted," Mr. Ishida said with a sigh. "How did you get the cut, TK?"  
"He was wearing rings when he hit," TK said smally.  
"How many times…?"  
TK shook his head in an indication that he didn't want to answer, staring at the floor.  
"Should we go to the hospital and get that checked out?"  
"No, don't," TK said, sounding almost panicked.  
"We're going to be stopping by there anyway," his father said. "So you might as well."  
"We are?" Matt asked.  
"I'm having you checked back into the clinic."  
Matt froze.  
"If you can't handle your urges, people need to handle them for you."  
Matt shook his head, involuntarily taking a step backwards. "I'm not going back there!"  
"Oh, yes you are. And you'll stay there until you can walk out and deal with life like an adult. Your mood swings have been _terrible_ lately, Matt. You're clearly incredibly highly strung. You need somewhere where you can calm down, and sort your head out."  
Matt opened his mouth to protest savagely, but closed it again. By doing so, he'd be proving his father right about mood swings.  
"I'll see you in the car," he sighed, opening the front door. He smiled at TK before he left, who smiled back.  
_I can't go back there… I can't…_  
_But he's right. I can't control this. I keep saying I can, but I _can't  
He opened the unlocked car door, getting into the back with Tai.  
"What happened?" Tai asked, seeing the distressed look on Matt's face.  
"She's breaking up with him. He wasn't there when we got there."  
"Well, that's good right?"  
"Mm."  
"So why do you look so upset?"  
"My Dad wants to check me back into the recovery clinic," Matt whispered, closing his eyes and bowing his head. "And I'm ashamed of myself, for lacking the control I need…"  
"Whoa, whoa. _Lacking_ the control? You haven't done anything, right?"  
"No…"  
"You haven't even lit a cigarette or taken a shot of alcohol, right?"  
"Right…"  
"So where's this lack of control?"  
Matt stammered with an answer for a moment. "But, Dad… He said I needed to go back…"  
"Not because you lack control, Matt. Because you've had cravings and you clearly don't know how to deal with it. He's right about the mood swings, and you can't get by like that. For what it's worth, I'm proud that you haven't caved in, and I'm sure your family is, too."  
Matt smiled smally, looking up as the front car door opened and his father got in.  
"TK's staying home," he said, putting his car key into the ignition.  
"Give me another chance," Matt asked quietly. "Please. I'll deal with this better, just don't take me back there."  
His father looked into the car wing mirror, catching Matt's eye.  
"On one condition."  
"What?"  
His father's eyes had a wicked glint in them. "You tell us what happened at that first meeting."  
Matt slunk back in his seat. "I thought you were serious about checking me in."  
"Oh I'm deadly serious. But you got me a second chance at work, so I owe it to you to let you keep to your word. I'm just wondering what actually happened, since you've kept it so secret."  
Matt folded his arms, sulking slightly.  
"I tried to leave and ran into a door that was pull instead of push."  
"Is that _all_?" Tai said, voicing what Matt's father was about to say. "_That's_ what you made a big fuss about?"  
"You weren't there!"  
"And I'd have laughed at you if I was for getting so worked up over that. Man, you _have_ been highly strung lately huh?"  
"That's exactly what I said," Mr. Ishida interjected.  
Matt continued to sulk, but he felt brighter than he had done in days.  
_TK will be alright. And so will I. I can survive this. I _have_ to, because the alternatives just aren't worth thinking about._  
_I'll do everything I can to fight this, Dad. I promise._

_Author's Notes:_

_Well that only took about 18 months, wow. I suck._

_It's been a very long time. Since this fic has been in the works a long time now, I may have a couple of parts where time doesn't quite flow correctly or something. I think I worked everything out, but I'm only human, and may have made a mistake._

_To anyone who actually recognizes me…Hi! Yes, I'm alive. Yes, I will finish Judas (one day ). I've been living with a pretty sucky sickness these past couple of years, so I haven't really been in the mood to write, nor had much time to devote to it._

_Reviews or mails would be awesome, but not necessary. I only hope, even if you don't tell me so, that you enjoyed it. If so, I'm happy. And if not, well, uh, I don't care, I write for my own pleasure and post in the hopes others can enjoy it too :D_

_(Also, the reason the parts are split into two each is because the site was uploading each fic incomplete, and this is the only way I know of fixing that :D) _


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